GFMe Tuesday: Special Mardi Gras Edition of Tio Jaime Gone Wild, Benicia-style!

I'll let you figure out what GFMe means. Three guesses, the last two don't count.

So this whole Mardi Gras thing? La la la. Here's where I'm supposed to make a smooth transition into my opinions, but nothing seems to be materializing. I'd really like to tie this all in with a broad, grand generalization, but shit on me: I'm drawing a huge blank. In fact, the only idea I have for this post is building up the huge non sequitor I'm about to try to unload on you.

Right here, I would normally put a cutesy one liner, chances are without cussing.

Now that we got that out of the way, just a few more sentences and we can end this paragraph and then get to the real meat of this post: what bugs me about Mardi Gras. Rather, what bugs me about Mardi Gras in its present configuration. I wonder just how many of my rants started out like this...

1) Beads, beads, and an assload of beads
The unnecessary proliferation of MG beads (heh, proliferation has "pro life" in it) has become quite annoying. I'm just glad that Thunder Stix didn't become this popular. People are wearing beads for just about anything nowadays, not just MG. Orange and black beads can be seen on many a person at Giants games.

Unfortunately, they're seen on people (and not just women) who you don't really want flashing you. I guess I'm just strangely old fashioned. I think if you're gonna wear the beads, you should have shown your boobs a/o be willing to show them to me. Yes, right here in View Reserved. No, you have time, the batter hasn't stepped in the box yet. Go Giants.

2) Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday
If you're reading this, you're probably smart enough to know the origins and justification for MG.

If not, because you probably found this blog by yahoo searching for "Whores wearing boyshorts", Welcome! Mardi Gras is just the day for indulging yourself in the SHoP, your one-stop outlet for all things boyshorts! But this explanation is for you once you've satiated your boyshorts hankerings.

So that whole Catholicism thing? Yeah. There's that Jesus-dude. He was both God and Man. He came down to chill with us, but then his Father said, "Yo, whattup. You gotta sacrifice yourself for these fucktards." (Mark 14:75-80) Which Jesus did. For us fucktards. On a Friday. And Good thing too, because three days later he rose from the dead. On a Sunday. Then Jesus ate chocolate bunnies and painted eggs (Matthew 29:10-14). Easter eggs.

Which is why we do that today to commemorate Jesus taking the plunge for us fucktards. But in the forty day period before Easter Sunday (not counting Sundays), we have a period of preparation and penance and introspection and not eating meat on Fridays and fasting sometimes. This is Lent.

Think Ramadan, only we don't go strapping explosives to ourselves and blowing up Jews.

On Debauchery
Lent starts on Ash Wednesday, which is tomorrow. No meat, and technically if you're over 12(?) no eating either. One meager meal, but that's it muchacho. So the point of Mardi Gras-- French for "Fat Tuesday"-- is that you indulge the day before extreme self-flagellation. This is why today is today. And why it keeps changing year after year. And why I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow.

Spoke to a friend last night, who is in New Orleans for the drunken festivities. She said, "I've been eating so bad since i got here." I told her, that's good. That's the point. I'm having a big damn steak tonight. You can start up your diet again on Wednesday, I suggested to her. And really, that is the point of the day set aside for the debauchery.

Vicetivus (which has been likened to a mini-mardigras) is also a special day set aside for vice and bad bad things. When celebrating vicetivus, please do not order a salad. This is one of the pussiest things you could possibly do. Seriously nancy-pants, wait until Saturday the 14th. But for once, try to ignore your conscience on Friday the 13th. In Vegas. Talk about missing the point.

On Sacrifice
A Catholic tradition is that you "give something up" for Lent. This could be candy, meat, self-abuse... all sorts of things that are bad for you. What you give up is your business, and can be shared at your discretion. And here's the part where I get annoyed...

Please don't recommend things that I could give up for Lent. Lent is about self-improvement. It's between you and God. Contrary to popular belief, it is not "that time of year where James's friends get to give (unwarranted) suggestions about the State of the Jaime". Especially if you're not Catholic and therefore (possibly) don't observe Easter and therefore don't observe Lent and therefore don't observe Ash Wednesday but somehow you mysteriously observe Mardi Gras. As soon as you have Lenten sacrifice under your belt (and this should include attending Mass weekly) then and only then will your judgment on me and mine be seriously considered.

3) Separation of Church and State, at your convenience
All you fucktard college students from your liberal northeastern commie reeducation camps? Yes, you, the same ones who didn't vote for George Bush because he represents the Bible Belt and Christianity. Fuck you and your hypocrisy. You push for a secular America yet here you are drunk on Mardi Gras and there you'll be drunk on St. Patrick's day and drunk on Halloween. You'll probably celebrate St. Valentine's Day and Christmas too, but not to the whoreish, debaucherrific extent.

Think before you open your mouths next time to bash Western Civilization and Christianity.

Show us your tits,
Jihad Jimmy, Chief Defender of the Faith