TOUCHDOWN PERMIAN DILLON!

Perhaps now is the right time to explain Tio Jaime's days of the week (Mon-dee, Tues-dee, Thurs-dee, Wednes-dee, Fri-dee, Sun-dee, Satur-dee...) So there's this radio show that I listen to, <sarcasm>you may've heard me mention it every once in a while</sarcasm>-- The Don and Mike Show. A few years ago, during their opening sequence-- or shit, they might even still do it today-- when Don announces the day's date, Mike responds in kind...

Don: Today is Wednesday...
Mike: WEDNES-DEE!
Don: ...October Fourth, Twenty-Aught-Six...

That's all. Maybe if you're good Citizen SHoPpers, I'll post an aircheck which shows this when I get home tonight.

On a lighter note... Speaking of days of the week. And nighttime. And light things... A much anticipated TV show made its debut last night. The television adaptation of the movie adaptation of H.G. Bissinger's novel Friday Night Lights. And I was afraid it was going to suck.

Live 3am Criticism of the series premiere of Friday Night Lights

You are now in chat room "FrideeNightLights." JihadJimmyMWCCDF has entered the chat room. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:00:04 PM): hello dere JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:00:10 PM): ooh, the Megan Mullaly Show JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:00:24 PM): and here's Fri-dee Night Lights JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:00:26 PM): MONDAY JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:00:36 PM): Dillon Football? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:01:35 PM): it's kinda like the movie, but NBC-shitty JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:01:43 PM): hope this doesn't take a shit on itself JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:02:40 PM): and now i'm wasting my time trying to figure out who in the TV show was who in the movie JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:03:06 PM): oh yay, it's been modernized! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:03:15 PM): cheerleaders? WTF? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:05:54 PM): looks like that was billingsley JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:06:16 PM): billy bob thornton was cooler JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:06:58 PM): FRI-DEE NIGHT LIGHTS JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:07:37 PM): boobie miles is now "smash" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:07:49 PM): how topical with Paris Hilton

OK that was annoying. Let's spice up the story of the 1988 Permian Panthers by modernizing it to 2006. Oh, the point of the TV show wasn't the 1988 team? OK, then why call it the same thing as the novel? Retards.

I have a feeling that these little modernizations that they keep slipping in are gonna be enough to derail my interest in what should be one of the better TV shows. Case in point, Grey's Anatomy, and the overabundance of black doctors (Blackt0rs, as was the word of choice in past 3amCs). The forced diversity was so sickening (and in conjunction with the dippy characters) I refrained from finishing the second season.

Live 3am Criticism of the series premiere of Friday Night Lights, continued

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:09:13 PM): WHORE JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:09:41 PM): this sucks... they introduced stupid high school chicks JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:11:43 PM): enough of this shitty OC shit, get to the fucking football already JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:13:21 PM): Ok this sucks JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:13:46 PM): SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE FUCKING HIS AND HERS CLOSETS YOU STUPID CUNT-BAG JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:17:22 PM): this modernization is annoying... yay a tom cruise reference JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:19:18 PM): wonderful. the chick mayor talks football too. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:19:44 PM): this is fucking stupid JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:20:35 PM): oh, and a clinton reference

Can you see where this is going? That was just hokey. The kid said in a bill clinton voice, "Hillary, I did not have sexual relations with that woman." That was just a half-assed attempt at dating the show after 2000. What a pukefest.

Live 3am Criticism of the series premiere of Friday Night Lights, continued

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:21:42 PM): wow, this is craptacular JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:22:59 PM): OK gonna check out some myspace crap JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:25:23 PM): WEDNES-DEE JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:27:27 PM): ha ha, they're praying on TV JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:27:30 PM): THURS-DEE JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:29:10 PM): where the fuck are all of these telemarketers coming from? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:29:41 PM): where's chavez? the mexi-dude? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:29:48 PM): FRIDAY JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:29:56 PM): Explosions in the Sky!!! Your Hand in Mine!!! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:30:48 PM): oh yay, they have iPods on FRI-DEE NIGHT LIGHTS

Enough already! We get it, you're here in the now! And any hope we have of reconciling this piece of shit with the novel and/or movie has now been dashed upon the rocks!

If they use the word "nigger" in the TV show, I'll forgive them for the crapfest that is NBC's Fri-dee Night Lights. The novel talks about how casually the Odessans would use the word. The movie has one texan lady using it at the dinner table. Unfortunately, this has the intended effect of interrupting what seems to be polite society, when the message really was that it wasn't so outside of polite society to use the epithet.

I would've voted for McCain had he stuck to his "gook" guns in 2000, btw...

(And dammit, SixH, if you're gonna censor the n-word above, let me do it. Don't fucking touch this post. Are you even reading this blog anymore? -TJ)

Live 3am Criticism of the series premiere of Friday Night Lights, continued

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:31:22 PM): this guy reminds me of ray liotta JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:32:53 PM): that's stupid... they have a blue and gold "P" on their helmets JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:33:02 PM): no, not for Permian, but for "Panthers" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:40:49 PM): oh ha ha, the pretty-boy QB is down JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:41:07 PM): maybe he died. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:42:13 PM): oh bogus, spinal injury? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:42:37 PM): doesn't mean this show doesn't suck JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:47:26 PM): wonderful, the QB was the boobie-miles injury JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:51:03 PM): TOUCHDOWN PERMIAN DILLON! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:51:17 PM): onside kick... panther ball!! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:52:51 PM): wow, touchdown permian. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:55:56 PM): a 2-minute replay? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (9:00:03 PM): an encore? yeah no thanks JihadJimmyMWCCDF (9:00:32 PM): hey cool it's The Unit again JihadJimmyMWCCDF (9:02:23 PM): is he training new soldiers now or something? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (9:04:26 PM): i ain't 3amC-ing this... JihadJimmyMWCCDF has left the chat room.

The Unit was pretty good. I'll probably bring it back to the SHoP this winter.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Generic Nintendo versus Brand Name Nudity

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The SHoP weighs in on sexual predatorialosity (???)

I was watching this, and was immediately heartbroken. I was afraid I was gonna see one of you Citizen SHoPpers ensnared in a trap set up for what would seem to be the shittiest of shitantickers, but in sad reality could probably snag one of your not-so-favorite SHoP Overlords (or Overlady).

But as what seems to be the trend with the child molestation stings, it's only a matter of time before a male aged 18-24 who you hold dear is exposed for what he really is-- and at his weakest, lonliest, and most pitiful moments. Who wouldn't want to spare his/her brother, cousin, or nephew or even son from the public ridicule which is all the rage?

Not that those perpetrating such travesties should be exempt from the justice due them, but how far must it go-- this newest, most demented manifestation of reality television? Was the nightly news just not real enough?

I digress. Watch the video, Citizen SHoPpers. As painful as the opening sequence may be to watch, think not of your own discomfort but of the discomfort and almost involuntary silence of the victims. The statistics are startling. It would be an exercise in futility not to have a deeply felt and genuine reaction to what you are about to see...

God Bless,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

For the love of God, don't click on the link

If you value your freedom and liberty, don't click on this link. I'm serious. Not trying to make a political statement here-- there is no Left, there is no Right-- I beg all of you Citizen SHoPpers, ignore this link!!!

Midway Arcade Treasures

OK fine, go ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Strange things are afoot in Oakland, CA

Have heard helicopters overhead since dawn here in lovely Oakland, CA. Now, I hear dogs barking in the distance. Maybe there's a manhunt going on this lovely Wednes-dee morning.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Raiders of the Hidden Temple

Haven't gotten up this early since my GC days, but here i am, mouth listerined and teeth brushed since i obviously didn't do it last night.

<dream category="weird">
Had a weird dream. I was a contestant on Legends of the Hidden Temple. With some black chick. Who wasn't quite pulling her weight on the trivia, but then again, who can compared to Tio Jaime. Yeah, that's right.

Would've been cool, but as we got closer and closer to the host upstage, I realized that this wasn't the original set of the Nickelodeon game show. Nowadays, there seemed to be some swanky San Francisco bar right behind the host, complete with two drunk oriental chicks. The bar had some nice top shelf stuff.
</dream>

Go check out that wikipedia entry on LotHT. Somebody had a lot of free time, it looks like. Check out all of the inane trivia and stats about the game. And some people...

excerpt from wikipedia entry on LotHT
The Green Monkeys had a member named Gator in one episode, the Mussellshell Armor of Apanupac. As expected by someone with this name, Gator easily completed the temple without the help of his teammate.

...can't seem to get over the time they were on Legends and completed the temple without relying on that hump of a teammate. Seriously. Who but this Gator choadstain wrote that? You think it's bad that I have such a hard-on for my time with Bellarmine's Speech & Debate team? That's nothing compared to this one time, where this guy named Gator found the missing armor of Apanupac and just barely made it out of the temple!!! Dude!

And check out the t-shirts at the bottom of the wikipedia page. You too can have a replica t-shirt from the Red Jaguars, Blue Barracudas, Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots, or Silver Snakes.

Here there be SHoP Overlords

It's never a good sign when you get back to your office from a meeting and see your phone announcing to you, "10 Missed Calls".

Ya little shit.

But then you click on the the "exit" button and then you're told "15 Voice Mail Messages"

This, Citizen SHoPpers, is why your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime has been blogging at SHoP Overlord SixHertz levels the past few weeks.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Slapped across the face by the hand that feeds me

Wonderful Caltrans. They're closing lanes on the Bay Bridge tonight between Yerba Buena Island and San Francisco.

In about half-an-hour, they'll close 3 of the 5.

At midnight, they'll close 4 of the 5.

This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for Waitress-Chick landing at SFO at 1:30. I might take the San Mateo Bridge.

Either way, I'm taking a nap beforehand. Rather, right now, Citizen SHoPpers.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

ps- just to get the off-topic sniping started, 1) ha ha how's that no-confidence vote coming along? 2) why is everybody's panties in a bunch over this Road to 9/11 disney shit? 3) Fuck you Bill Frist. My pursuit of happiness includes online gambling. There. Three lines of politics on a once-political blog. Go watch TV, Citizen SHoPpers. You'll find more stuff there you can snipe. I'm just blogging about a stupid bridge.

Sacre-licious!

My work buddy Engineer Mark is an interesting case study. Two unprecedented SHoP details: 1) he's the only one of my peers to out-Catholic me, and 2) he's the only person on the SHoP who beats me out for the <font color=red>. Go check out some old posts. See who I was chatting with and determine which of us was more red statey.

(It's completely subject to the interpretation of Your Favorite SHoP Overlord, so there may be disagreements as to the relative levels of redness. If you're lucky enough to be a SHoP Overlord, you might be able to change my font colors just to fuck with me. Good luck on that though.)

We were just talking about regular guy stuff. Baseball, welding quality control... boobs.

I like her boobs.
TioJaime: I like her boobs. EngineerMark: You know, she's probably not gonna let you see them... TioJaime: That's OK I still like them.

Which is odd, because I'm not a boob guy. I like legs. And glasses. And USAF uniforms. And resemblances to Sarah Clarke as NINA MYERS.

Oh, and that post with the burberry stockings? Also a product of Engineer Mark.

Who, Citizen SHoPpers, seemed not to be completely sold by my justification for the boobies. I tried a different tact, which to be perfectly frank, knocked it out of the park.

(Oh, uncool. Now I think I have to fill space to get that Sarah Clarke pic out of the way of my tables. Well, let's just take the time to say that Waitress-Chick doesn't share my appreciation for Sarah Clarke. If you go to her myspace page I've listed my Top Five. Lately I've been thinking of a Top Five which has an express purpose of annoying Waitress-Chick. Unfortunately, I forgot who else I would've put there.)

I see where this is going...
TioJaime: You love Jesus, don't you? EngineerMark: I see where this is going... TioJaime: Right. So you love our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but have you ever seen him? EngineerMark: I think I'm a bad influence on you.

That's a bad sign too. Normally, I'm the bad influence on my friends. It's nice to know that there are dudes out there who are a) more Catholic, b) more conservative, and c) more perverted than I am. Even worse, Engineer Mark has seemed to appoint himself my moral compass, or to borrow some CalTrans terminology, my Moral QA Inspector.

Well what with engineering references sprinkled throughout this lunchbreak post, I think that's a sign that I need to get back to work.

all my love,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

ps- if you're concerned that yours are the boobs to which we were referring, don't worry, they're not. But how modest of you that you can equate your mammaries to the Son of Man.

Elmo Is an Evildoer

I'm going to blatantly plagiarize here, but this article was too good not to share with you, SHoPpers (and plus another SHoP overlord requested that I post this):

Joel Stein: Elmo Is an Evildoer
The self-obsessed Sesame Street Muppet is destroying all that is holy on children's TV.
August 15, 2006

ELMO REFUSED to be interviewed for this column. I consider this to be a supreme act of cowardice. And it doesn't surprise me one bit. Elmo is an annoying tool.

Yes, I know that children love Elmo. But children are idiots. That's why we don't let them have jobs. Could you imagine an office full of children? They'd spend all day telling dumb jokes and talking about their poop. It would be like it was before women entered the workplace.

"Sesame Street" - which still has sharp, funny writing - is being destroyed by idiot cuteness. Not only is the patronizing, baby-talking Elmo usurping most of the hour, but "Sesame Street" - which debuted its 37th season Monday - added its first new female Muppet in 13 years: the sparkly haired, tutu-wearing, button-nosed, pink-skinned fairy goddaughter Abby Cadabby. Her shaky magic skills get her in situations she needs to get bailed out of, like the anti-"Bewitched."

Plus, she's got that creepy, throaty, little-girl Lindsay Lohan kind of voice, and a Paris Hilton-esque catchphrase: "That's so magic." When I watched "Sesame Street" in the '70s, the human cast and the Muppets were quirky adults who didn't talk down to me with baby voices. Now the human cast gets almost no airtime, and the show is dominated by Elmo, Baby Bear and, now, Abby Cadabby - preschoolers enamored by their own adorable stupidity.

The lesson they teach - in opposition to Oscar, Big Bird, Grover or Bert - is that bland neediness gets you stuff much more easily than character. We are breeding a nation of Anna Nicole Smiths.

I am not the only one who hates Elmo. Vernon Chatman and John Lee, the creators of MTV2's dark "Sesame Street" parody, "Wonder Showzen," think the evil red one is destroying the show.

"Elmo doesn't grow. People show him something and he laughs. He doesn't learn a lesson," says Lee. "It's the exact opposite of what old 'Sesame Street' used to do. Elmo has been learning the same lesson his whole life, which is that Elmo likes Elmo."

Chatman, who refers to Elmo as the Jar Jar Binks of "Sesame Street," worries that Elmo teaches kids to care only about themselves.

"Elmo is just a baby-voiced, self-obsessed character who is only concerned with Elmo," says Lee. "He just passively observes things: 'Elmo is looking at a sandwich. Elmo is eating a sandwich. Elmo is crapping out the sandwich and writing his name on the wall with it.' " The last celebrity to so obsessively refer to himself in the third person was Richard Nixon.

Whereas Count Von Count markets math and Oscar markets the acceptability of negative emotions, Elmo, brilliantly, just markets Elmo, leading him to be the show's cash cow, or whatever misshapen animal he's supposed to be.

I question not only Abby Cadabby but all of Elmo's associates. You may recall that Elmo testified before Congress about music education. But you may not remember who requested Elmo's appearance: Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, now in jail for taking at least $2.4 million in bribes. I'm not implying that Elmo has taken dirty money, but these are the kind of people Elmo surrounds himself with.

I understand that "Sesame Street" has to compete in a Nickelodeon-Disney Channel-Wiggles-Pixar universe. In fact, the new episodes start with " 'Sesame Street' is brought to you by the following ... " and then, instead of gently mocking consumerism by listing letters and numbers, they actually show real spots for McDonald's, Beaches resorts, Pampers and EverydayKidz.com - the last of which apparently helps children spell only if they want to be rappers.

I desperately don't want the show to go away, so I know they can't afford to run the "Elmo accidentally drank bleach and died" episode. Instead, they need to simply take Elmo and his buddies and give them their own hourlong show for the idiot spawn. Then put Luis, Gordon and the cool Muppets on their own half-hour "Classic Sesame" for the kids who will one day actually contribute to our society.

Whichever of the two shows you watched would serve as a convenient litmus test for the rest of your life. "Which 'Sesame Street' did you watch?" will be code on college applications, Internet dating and job applications. Blue and red states will be divided not by presidential choices, but by Grover and Elmo.

If we can't save all the kids, let's at least save the ones who can master speaking in first-person. The rest we'll use for reality TV stars.

horny mexican pin number condoms

See? Making the SHoP is that easy. Just a couple of Find & Replaces by your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime, and they're off!

Makin' the SHoP

9:01:27 PM TrosamaMinAsi: next time I see you, remind me "horny mexican pin number condoms" 9:21:58 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: i don't even need to hear the rest of that 9:22:00 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: you're making the SHoP 9:22:22 PM TrosamaMinAsi: you will like 9:22:28 PM TrosamaMinAsi: went to get cigs 9:22:38 PM TrosamaMinAsi: mexican in front of me was buying two packs of condoms 9:22:43 PM TrosamaMinAsi: in a bit of a rush 9:22:48 PM TrosamaMinAsi: tried his atm 9:22:54 PM TrosamaMinAsi: declined, invalid pin 9:22:59 PM TrosamaMinAsi: tried again 9:23:04 PM TrosamaMinAsi: declined, invalid pin 9:23:10 PM TrosamaMinAsi: the clerk took the condoms from him 9:23:16 PM TrosamaMinAsi: he left updet 9:23:19 PM TrosamaMinAsi: upset 9:23:28 PM TrosamaMinAsi: i guess there is another mexican coming into the world 9:23:34 PM TrosamaMinAsi: get those welfare checks ready! 9:24:07 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: oh you're so making the SHoP 9:25:23 PM TrosamaMinAsi: i know huh

If you're a Citizen SHoPper of Mexi-tastic persuasion, our hats are off to you. Go out and have The Sex right now because you can. Lucky bastard. I have a date with my archived radio show right now.

If you're offended by the chat above, how the fuck did you find the SHoP anyway? And why are you still here? Well shit, now that you are here, why don't you stay and look around for a bit? We're kinda like Ikea... something for everyone.

Hmm, upon further inspection, "Something for Everyone" doesn't seem to be their advertising slogan of choice anymore. It was when it opened up in Emeryville, I thought... I ended up buying a CD rack and some 3.5" floppy disk cases. Remember those?

A little dab'll do ya...

Just some stuff from the link dumps which I wanted to show you a month ago (7/20), but only now got around to moving from the Drafts to the Current...

Big Pansy Screams Over a Cock Roach
You all have a friend like this. If you don't, you are that friend.

Illegal Immigrants Unload on a State Trooper
Non-California Response: Hope they got these fuckers and cut their balls off. (They were caught, state of testicles unknown).
California Response: How can you assume that they were illegal immigrants? Was the state trooper racially profiling them? Let's open our borders! Yay!

Admire the Smokin Hot Alessandra Ambrosio
She's on my Top Five. Whoo momma. Part-Polish, part-Italian. She's been SHoPped quite frequently, go dig around and find her because your Favorite SHoP Overlord is lazy. And he has to catch up on work. But not so busy to prevent telling you that the song in the Alessandra Ambrosio video is Andain's "Beautiful Things".

PUG BOWLING
No Alessandra Ambrosio here, but you can probably get a lot more playtime out of this video.

Enough fucking off, time to get back to work. That's mainly intended for myself, but you should do the same thing too...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

To the Bridge (sic) and Groom...

I have one more day left in lovely Minnesota-land. Still at Waitress-Chick's house in Blaine. Will likely get a tattoo before I catch my flight back to the Blue State Frontier.

SHoP Overlord SixHertz and SHoP Overlady Shiraz were married over the weekend, and Your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime was present as the Best Man. Here is my toast, reprinted for your enjoyment.

You'll see that the toast actually did say "to the bridge and groom". This is probably because I had work on the brain. They called me twice, despite my being "2051 miles away from Candlestick Park and our five Vince Lombardi Trophies".

Don't really want to go to work tomorrow. Screw that. OK, enough space filler for now, the picture should line up just fine, and I have to put some pants on and take Waitress-chick out to lunch in Sweet Home Minnesota.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

ps- Well fuckity-fuck me in the goat ass. I needed one more line to get the pic out of the way of the <div align=center>

Best Man Toast, courtesy Jihad Jimmy

Mr. and Mrs. SixHertz, Mr. and Mrs. Shiraz-- and of course Mr. and Mrs. ShirazHertz: I am greatly honored and truly blessed to be here today on what is the happiest day of your lives to date. And I highly doubt that anybody in this room would would think me presumptious in saying that they too are greatly honored to be here to share this day. My name is Jihad Jimmy, and I'll be your Best Man for tonight. Just for clarification, Jihad Jimmy and Tio Jaime are the same guy. If you've been introduced to me through SixHertz's parents, then congratulations, you've been grandfathered-in to a select number of people who are allowed to call me that. I haven't been called Tio Jaime since 1992, when SixHertz and I were in the graduating 8th grade class of St. Chrissy Academy back in lovely Santa Clara, CA. Almost fifteen years ago, that was the last time that he and I were around each other regularly before going our separate ways to two different, rival Catholic high schools in the Silicon Valley. But let's back up for a minute to 1983-- some of you weren't married yet, some of you were still in school, some of you weren't even born-- but it was there, 1983, in Miss Jones's First Grade class at St. Chrissy Elementary where I met SixHertz. We were the two smartest guys in our class, and... we knew it. But we were best buddies, completely inseparable. Where he'd go, I'd follow. First Confession, First Communion. And after quick stopovers in Denver International and Blaine, MN, I've followed the SixHertzes to the Twin Cities for the blessed Sacrament of Marriage. Three out of Seven is pretty good, wouldn't you think? If I can play my cards right, well I'll just have to have the SixHertz clan down to Las Vegas for my wedding-- lemme just find a nice Catholic girl who won't mind spending her honeymoon playing craps and betting on the ponies. And if I can't find that nice Catholic girl, then the SixHertz clan has front row tickets to my Ordination ceremony at St. Joseph's Cathedral with the bishop. SixHertz and I grew up about 15 mins away from each other in Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley, for you Midwesterners out there, is pretty much an hour away from both San Francisco and Oakland. Forty-five minutes if I'm driving. So, an hour south of San Francisco, but it is beyond the shadow of a doubt Niner Country. And SixHertz and his dad are two of the biggest 49er Faithfuls I know. And naturally, as a budding Niner fan of 8 or 9 years old, who did I turn to for anything and everything 49ers? One of our fondest memories was Super Bowl XXIII when we beat the Cincinnati Bengals 20-16 on a touchdown pass from Joe Montana to John Taylor with 34 seconds left. And the fond memory before that? Beating the Minnesota Vikings 34-9 and then the Chicago Bears 28-3 for the NFC Championship. (Tough crowd... We're a long way from Candlestick, aren't we?) Oh, we loved the 49ers. SixHertz, the artist between the two of us, each week he would draw these amazing comic strips about the Niners and their opponent that weekend. I loved those. He found a bunch of them once many, many years later, showed them to me, and we busted up laughing because they were still the funniest things we'd ever shared together. I was thinking about those comics a couple of nights ago, and I don't recall him showing those to anybody but me. Nobody but me. Just plain-old me, his 49er faithful best friend growing up. But like I said, he went to Schmidty which was co-ed, and I went to Bellarmine which was all-boys. The first day of high school without my best buddy who I'd gone to seven or eight first-days-of-school? I'll tell you, it was scary. I turned out OK, though. I'm here-- in front of a lot of strangers I don't know, giving a toast written on a mixture of caffeine, adrenaline, Skoal, and what I'm learning is the SixHertz favorite Patron. I'm not nervous, I'm not stuttering. The fine product of a Catholic all-boys school education. With exception of taking potshots at the local football teams. So at our Eighth Grade graduation, I told a friend of mine: You keep an eye on him for me, can you? She agreed. And it's a good thing too, I hear that when you go to school with-- girls-- it gets tough. You gotta supress all of your engineer traits and instincts. You gotta worry about looking good for that cutie in your Computer class. You can't talk about Star Trek with 'em-- believe me, I've tried. In any case, we've all passed the SixHertz-baton to one another in our own special ways. And so, from Mrs. SixHertz to myself, eventually to these upstanding men you see before you and to a few girlfriends on the way to whom I was strategically never introduced you were handed the SixHertz-baton and you ran. And here in Minnesota on a fine August day, two time zones and just under two thousand fifty-one miles away from Candlestick Park and our five Vince Lombardi Trophies, today it comes time for the baton to be passed to the newest Mrs. SixHertz. Shiraz, the man you see before you is one of my oldest and dearest friends. He is a cherished and integral part of my history. Without this man, I could very well be a Raiders fan. While you may see bits and pieces of him in his family and friends, know full well that there are parts of us which have been painstakingly and meticulously crafted into the man who today has the honor of calling himself your husband. I don't care that he's going to business school, he'll always be an engineer to me. From Miss Jones's class back at St. Chrissy we were destined to be engineers. And so, in typical engineer fashion, he's crafted up... a comprehensive list of duties for us men on his side of the wedding party. As the Best Man, it is my duty and privilege to offer... the first toast of the evening. SixHertz, I am truly blessed to be able to count you and your parents amongst those who I sincerely do love. Shiraz, we entrust our beloved SixHertz to your loving and capable hands. May health and happiness shine upon your new life together. May you find new reasons each day to love one another, each day more than the last. May your love and devotion serve as a potent reminder of God's presence among us here today. And may God bless you both here and forever, In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. To the Bridge (sic) and Groom...

Safety Not Guaranteed By Any Means Necessary!

Some iChatter from this past week. Really, I think this post was just an excuse to be politically incorrect in that special SHoP way (MwHCock is Sikh). Oh, and also to link to a pretty funny YTMND.

lousy cousin getting married

9:16:23 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: new SHoP post up 9:16:44 PM MwHCock: I'm going to Canada tomorrow!! 9:16:51 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: dude, sweet! 9:16:56 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: how long you in canadia for? 9:17:02 PM MwHCock: weekend 9:17:08 PM MwHCock: come back monday morning 9:17:11 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: cool 9:17:13 PM MwHCock: lousy cousin getting married 9:17:21 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: i go to minnesota on tuesday 9:17:29 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: lousy kindergarten friend getting married 9:18:26 PM MwHCock: so what's the odds I get through security without getting pulled aside 9:18:30 PM MwHCock: keep in mind, I have a beard 9:18:49 PM MwHCock: and not a woman who i pretend is my lover since I'm gay, but facial hair

MwHCock's not gay. I think he just worded that incorrectly. Out of all my friends, MwHCock isn't the friend(s) about whom my parents ask from time to time, "Is he gay?"

And I've never heard of that expression before. If I can find you a definition online, I'll link to it here...

Beard Definition

I didn't want to spend too much time on that link. You get the picture.

http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/

9:19:04 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: ? is that what a beard is? 9:19:18 PM MwHCock: that's one type of beard 9:19:27 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: and you should get yourself one of those PLO headdresses 9:19:53 PM MwHCock: that would be bad 9:20:24 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: or, you could get a shoulder holster and load it up with toothpaste 9:21:29 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: i just downloaded the song from this... 9:21:31 PM JihadJimmyMWCCDF: http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/ 9:22:17 PM MwHCock: haha

That keffiyeh's pattern look familiar? Here it is in action...

bgcolor=burlywood. Because he's a shithead.

Rest assured that Ole' Uncle Yasser won't be making too many more appearances on the SHoP. Curious about the keffiyeh? Read THE MESSAGE IN ARAFAT'S HEADDRESS if you weren't completely sure that the PLO wants to kill all the Jews. Everywhere. Right now.

<update date="20060814" time="1932">
Found this one. If you liked the YTMND above, you'll like this one even better.

Temple of Time: Safety Not Guaranteed!
</update>

"They were a couple of days from a test, and a few days from doing it."

Just thank your lucky fucking stars that John Kerry took a shit on himself back in 2004. Would this plot still have been foiled had you sick, Blue State Fuck-ups been in power?

No. Because within minutes of being sworn in, you would've repealed the Patriot Act, caved to the ignorant whims of Crazy Aunt Cindy Sheehan and ran away from Iraq and Afghanistan. You would have concentrated on shitty things like Gay Marriage and unfettered abortion for minors and other retarded things along those lines.

UK arrests 24 in plane plot
U.S. Says Terrorists Planned Dry Run

Anything poignant to be said has been said already by other bloggers who have more time than your Favorite SHoP Overlord. Click on any of the links in the SHoP blogroll to your right if you want more information.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

ps- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia tonight, 10pm PDT. Come find me online if you want in...

It's the Conspiracy Theory, Stupid!

While everybody else out there is forwarding various 9/11 conspiracies (or taking giant shits on them), they're missing a far more important issue!!!

Drawing upon two SHoP favorites-- a linkdump and a favorite website (more on that here)-- your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime came across this very disturbing animation...

Garfield may be dead...

You can find more details at wikipedia, but the comics themselves are in that YTMND. You check it out. See for yourself. As conspiracy theories go, this one is more palatable than one which places George W. Bush at the head of a criminal conspiracy to murder a bunch of retarded New Yorkers.

That's all for now, it's late. Oh and don't go see My Super Ex-Girlfriend, especially if you're expecting lots and lots of Uma Thurman. There ain't.

And if this is your first time on the SHoP, welcome! Be warned: this is still considered a political blog, and your friend Tio Jaime may have been hiding his rabid Republicanism from you in the interests of civility. If this bothers you, just remember how tolerant you Leftists are supposed to be. And don't wander off the reservation and get mad at me when a right wing post or a racially insensitive slur gets your panties in a bunch. I'm warning you right here and right now.

Although what with posts like this, or ones about the San Francisco Giants or about various TV shows available on DVD, you'd think this blog is apolitical. Eh, whatever. That's the direction I've chosen to steer the SHoP as of late, and I hope that this clarification nets a few readers who have been holding on tightly to any misconceptions about this our beloved SHoP.

happy SHoPping,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

"A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus."

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

"you wanna teabag dennis?"

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 10:00 PM AND 12:00 AM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

---

Was a week late posting the 3amC from last week, but there it is above in the recaps.

I fell asleep during some slow parts. I was tired, and really this wasn't that great of an episode. At least not for this season. Ironically enough, this seems to be one of the greatest post titles ever to grace the SHoP. Lucky for me, the SHoP Overlords (and one Overlady) aren't too keen on posting anymore so this one'll stay up for a while.

all my love,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Live 3am Criticism of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

You are now in chat room "GetBentAIM." JihadJimmy858 has entered the chat room. JihadJimmy858 (10:29:05 PM): hello dere JihadJimmy858 (10:29:46 PM): trying to finish up the first Disc for Godfather II before the rerun of IASiP, before the new episode replays tonight at 11:05 or so... JihadJimmy858 (10:30:53 PM): there's a replay of the episode here JihadJimmy858 (10:34:56 PM): gonna pee, brb JihadJimmy858 (10:35:22 PM): OK no time for pee JihadJimmy858 (10:57:02 PM): this episode is a little better the second time around JihadJimmy858 (10:59:13 PM): yeahi was right, that was a shitty ending JihadJimmy858 (11:03:02 PM): WTF? they're gonna show last week's episode? JihadJimmy858 (11:03:15 PM): hope that's a mistake... JihadJimmy858 (11:03:19 PM): here we go (?) JihadJimmy858 (11:03:20 PM): JihadJimmy858 (11:03:26 PM): TV MA L JihadJimmy858 (11:03:44 PM): 10:15: AM JihadJimmy858 (11:03:46 PM): On a Wednesday JihadJimmy858 (11:03:51 PM): Philadelphia, PA JihadJimmy858 (11:04:07 PM): Garbage Pail Kids JihadJimmy858 (11:04:50 PM): "politics is just one big ass-blast" JihadJimmy858 (11:05:25 PM): "The Gang Runs for Office" JihadJimmy858 (11:05:33 PM): It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia JihadJimmy858 (11:09:41 PM): "A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus." JihadJimmy858 (11:11:28 PM): Hobovertising JihadJimmy858 (11:13:27 PM): Dee's still lookin' kinda old, but ooh momma do i want to bang her JihadJimmy858 (11:15:04 PM): they appear to have pissed off the Union nerds JihadJimmy858 (11:15:46 PM): "That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do!" JihadJimmy858 (11:18:52 PM): and now i'm falling asleep... not that it's a shitty episode, but i'm just tired JihadJimmy858 (11:19:48 PM): LOL JihadJimmy858 (11:19:53 PM): "I think I look like a whore." JihadJimmy858 (11:22:52 PM): falling asleep JihadJimmy858 (11:24:14 PM): hey ya! Sweet Dee as a whore! JihadJimmy858 (11:26:00 PM): Dennis Reynolds, Baby Rapist! JihadJimmy858 (11:28:35 PM): WHORE CITY JihadJimmy858 has left the chat room.

Playoffs, we hardly knew ye

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

Fuck you, San Francisco. I didn't want to see the no-hitter tonight anyway.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 3:00 PM AND 4:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

---

Well, I think we should kiss off any playoff chances we have... Giants Nay-shun, fellow Citizen SHoPpers, Giants Nay-shun!

Notes: Benitez still the closer

We're going for 10 in a row right now! Although since we're leading 8-3 in the top of the eighth, we might not get #10. Yes, that's ten losses. Did I mention Giants Nay-shun?

Here's an excerpt from the article above, because none of you wonderful Citizen SHoPpers will bother to read it:

Despite three consecutive blown saves on the road trip, a 13.50 ERA, .417 average against and two homers over that stretch, it'll still be Benitez theoretically coming to the rescue for the foreseeable future... Benitez, 4-2 with a 2.86 ERA and 13 saves this season, has said repeatedly the team has struggled in other ways -- hitting, defense, you name it -- and that he's hardly alone in causing defeats. "We're having bad luck," Benitez said of the current eight-game losing streak. "In the situation when I saved seven games in a row, nobody talked about it. It's hard to try to do the job, and people only look at it one way.

Whatever, FUCKER!!! You have one job, and that's to get the three outs which will let the G-men go into the clubhouse. Wow, you did it--

<update location="in-game">
Goddam Giants have given up 3 runs in the top of the ninth, leading 8-6 with two outs. Guess who's in the game now? Oh, and guess who walked his batter to let the tying run come to the plate?

Ha ha, guess who just got pulled?
</update>

seven games in a row? Wow. BFD. That's your job. Shit, that's a small part of your job. That's like me saying "I checked my e-mail at work."

Jihad Jimmy
Commissioner, SHoP Department of Recreational Sport (Non-nude)

PS- Schmidt's 10 K's help halt Giants' skid

We now return you to regularly scheduled SHoP broadcasting For the Daddies out there...

"Regularly scheduled SHoP broadcasting" you ask? That consists of Your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime comprising 80-90% of the posts. Trolls should be coming back soon too, although they were never uninvited. Why wouldn't you want to troll a 24 3am Criticism? Or 24 of them? Sniping the sniper-- that's tons of SHoP fun right there.

Combing through the linkdumps again...

Heidi Klum claims Germany's Next Top Model is the next Heidi Klum. Whether thats true or not is irrelevant. Lena Gercke is just plain ol' smoking HAWT.


Wow they ain't kidding. I like that chick, but she still loses out to the ever yummy Alessandra Ambrosio...

Alessandra Ambrosio, hotchick
Click to enlarge. Do it. You know you want to.

Another cool thing from that Lena Gercke link... just a random Man Tip.

Random Man Tip
If she asks you to call her "daddy's little girl", just walk away because her father obviously hit it before you did.

Good to know. And for you older Citizen SHoPpers who want to scar your daughters for life, do exactly that. Oh, and let your little daughters take gymnastics or ballet or something like that-- those are all good ways to prime your daughter to be a stripper when you send her away to college. There's another Man Tip for you.

More daughter stuff, this time from i-am-bored.com...

Don't Judge Too Quickly

... and I missed it the first time around, but the line "I'm her... daddy" makes the commercial all so much better. I'm gonna change the post title now...

all my love,
Tio Jaime

Extra! Extra!

Read all about it! Another SHoP Overlord Posts!

Okay, so I don't really have much to say. I'm posting because Tio Jaime is about to give us his 3amC of the 3rd season finale of 24. Beat you to the punch, SHoP Overlord! Well not really beating to the punch so much as foiling his plans to go for almost a whole season of 3amCing before someone else posts.

So I'm almost done with watching Season 4 (watched 8 episodes last weekend). I can't wait, so I can start on 5! But I gotta do it before I start classes in the fall. Won't have much time to do too much after that.