The SHoP salutes Northern California's most pussified Blue State Fuck-up ever!

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

Go suck a big one, Information Superhighway

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 11:00 AM AND 12:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

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Heh, I found the article again, and it deserves its own post instead of some fake html in an update of the original SHoP post. I was afraid sfgate.com had updated the article, but oh yes here it is for your reading pleasure.

Excerpt from THE MAZE MELTDOWN: East Bay commuters facing detours, jam-packed BART, emphasis mine
Kevin Hershey of Oakland, who owns an optical shop in San Francisco's Union Square, said his commute won't be the only headache -- his business will probably suffer, as well. "I about started crying when I heard," said Hershey. "It will definitely affect my business. East Bay people will hesitate before going into the city to shop, and a lot are going to go to Walnut Creek instead."

Oh God. For fuck's sake, dry your eyes, wipe your nose, and put on your Big Girl panties.

This is the same kind of snivelling, ball-less man that will elect Hillary or Obama. It's true-- God, I wish it wasn't, but this is typical for men in the Bay Area living in close proximity to San Francisco, Oakland, and Berkeley.

Admittedly, there are things that will make men cry in sadness...

Mom or Dad dies
Dog dies
Wife dies
Child dies
UCLA overcoming a 17-point deficit at the half
Wife shot dead by Nina Myers at CTU Los Angeles
You've just foiled a bioterrorist threat against Los Angeles and finally exacted your revenge on Nina Myers for killing your wife (see above)
You're holding the lifeless body of Tony Almeida in Season 5
You're trying to blog, but accidentally read a spoiler on wikipedia about Tony Almeida dying in Season 5
Now you just read one line further and found out that Jack kills Curtis Manning in Season 6
She's using her teeth

Notice that I didn't even put anything like "Giants lose World Series" or "Got fired". These are both sad, but don't justify man-cryage. You can bury your face in your hands, shake your head in denial, pace the room like a crazy man, keep muttering "oh fuck me oh fuck me" to yourself-- but no crying, please.

And if you're going to cry because your store in San Francisco is going to be affected by flyover ramps GOING AWAY FROM SAN FRANCISCO... then just don't tell anybody. Definitely shouldn't tell the Chronicle, because they might put it up online. And now Tio Jaime is calling you a pussified Blue State Fuck-up.

My favorite passage from Mary Schmich's classic column in the Chicago Tribune: Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Off to lunch. Stay off the freeways.

Jihad Jimmy
Director, SHoP Department of Pubic Works (and Public Works)

Go suck a big one, Information Superhighway

This here says that my commute shouldn't be affected tomorrow...

THE MAZE MELTDOWN Highway buckles: Tanker overturns on I-880 connector, igniting thousands of gallons of gas -- key overpass collapses

This one says it will be...

Roadway to Bay Bridge collapses after tanker explosion

This Caltrans page has some useful information...

511.org - Your Bay Area travel guide

But this one is absolutely fucking useless...

California Department of Transportation

This Republican Caltrans engineer is crying "Go check out that fourth link right now before they change it and make this post obsolete!" all the way to work while thinking about Sandra Bullock's nippy-nips.

So I'm still not sure which freeway I'll end up taking tomorrow. I'll probably take the city street shortcut which'll spit me out right next to the bridge collapse. Or not. I really don't care. Alls I know is that everybody and their fucking uncle will be chomping at the bit tomorrow to get some shit done to help out the emergency repair.

But oh mark my words, there won't be any thing for us to do except call a few Caltrans engineers whose phones have probably been ringing off the hook since early Sun-dee morning after this accident. And the nature of our Caltrans outfit (in relation to Caltrans Construction) will be such that we won't get involved for at least another few weeks. But that won't stop people from telling us Caltrans engineers to pester other Caltrans engineers with our phone calls.

OH HOLY FUCK!!! THIS IS THE MAP I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL DAY!!!

Why, thank you kindly sfgate.com! But you can go suck a big one too...

OK I think I'm OK since I'd take 580 East to 80 East (which, confusingly enough, is the same freeway just north of this interchange) and that ramp is unaffected. Coming home, if I don't take 780-680-24 like I normally do... wait, I still might be in the clear, since the flyover that collapsed merges on the right with the 80 West to 580 West ramp.

I think. You confused? I don't blame you. That's why this is called the Macarthur Maze. Welcome to the Blue State Frontier. I'm your host, Tio Jaime, broadcasting to you loud and proud from Fort Tio Jaime, your Red State Outpost.

OK the politicking was a stretch. Sorry.

Anyway, fun stuff. I'll let you know tomorrow morning how the commute was.

Jihad Jimmy
Director, SHoP Department of Pubic Works (and Public Works)

<update date="20070430" time="0925">
Commute this morning was fine. I charged head-first into the Macarthur Maze and it was the same commute I see every morning. Better, even, because people were scared off from the freeway-- there were three cars in line to go to the freeway where there are usually near twenty. People left before dawn and found out there was no traffic. Duh.

What'll be fun will be the evening commute. I didn't mention this last night in the post above, but the morning commute shouldn't even be affected. The ramps that are damaged aren't "to the Bay Bridge" like the second post above says. They're "from the Bay Bridge". People who are smart will leave at 3, 3:30 today to avoid the impending traffic snarls.

And I'm leaving at the normal time and taking 780-680-24. Like I normally do. Maybe I'll stop by Fry's.
</update>

<update date="20070430" time="0934">
Oops. You're too late if you didn't catch the fourth link earlier this morning. I've taken the liberty of stealing an astoundingly shitty-even-for-Caltrans graphic and linking to a page that tells us nothing we didn't know already.

My favorite piece of Caltrans wisdom that their shitty website tries to pass off as informational? This little ditty right here...

Oh, "personally inspected the damage". Right.
Caltrans Director Will Kempton has personally inspected the damage.

Looks like the second post is out as well, maybe it's just slow? Eh. You get the idea: Bay Area Little Brains running around all willy-nilly. I'm surprised Gavin Newsom hasn't declared a state of emergency like how Willie Brown did on 9/11.
</update>

More SHoP chat with Professor Shewseffi

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

The SHoP weighs in on Virginia Tech
I AM A BADASS BUDDING RADIOPHILE
Eastmost Peninsula is the Secret
You're on the air with KJIMMY
DRY MOIST HUMP LOAF
I AM STILL A BADASS BUDDING RADIOPHILE
Take a shit on my Radio-Parade, why don't you...
BOYCOTT FREEFM 106.9 KIFR!!!
Back to the Basics...
Ya got two hours. No excuses this time.
A pukefest carousel for your ears!

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 11:00 AM AND 12:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

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Ahh herro! More rov-ery chat with Orientarr Citizen SHoPper Professor Shewseffi. We were talking about some camcorder on sale online. I was asking advice. Not because he's Oriental and electronically inclined, but if that'll help you sleep better at night, go right ahead and think so...

Dude, i hate you. and debauchery. and deceitful charlatans.

ProfShewseffi (1:49:20 PM): get it! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:49:30 PM): too late it's gone ProfShewseffi (1:50:11 PM): aw man ProfShewseffi (1:50:12 PM): you suck JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:50:29 PM): WTF you're the one who dragged your heels JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:50:37 PM): by the time you told me to buy it it was sold out ProfShewseffi (1:51:20 PM): fuck you cho seung hui! ProfShewseffi (1:51:27 PM): you had a million chances to buy it ProfShewseffi (1:51:32 PM): but you chose to spill my time ProfShewseffi (1:51:42 PM): your camera was not enough you snobs ProfShewseffi (1:51:57 PM): my time was not enough you punk JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:52:01 PM): Dude, i hate you. and debauchery. and deceitful charlatans. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:52:24 PM): WTF KIND OF STUPID ORIENTAL USES THE PHRASE "DECEITFUL CHARLATANS?" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:52:32 PM): except one that needs an ass-kicking? ProfShewseffi (1:53:45 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It sucks that he ate his own 9mm before somebody could pistol whip some sense into this kid. I'm not jumping onto some bandwagon here, you'll notice. I would've recommended a pistol whipping even if he hadn't shot 32 debaucherous, deceitful charlatans.

looks like someone put some hallucinogen in his daily kimchee dosage that caused him to go bonkers

ProfShewseffi (1:53:47 PM): fucking orientals ProfShewseffi (1:53:54 PM): damn kim park hong su cho choi ProfShewseffi (1:54:13 PM): looks like someone put some hallucinogen in his daily kimchee dosage that caused him to go bonkers JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:54:39 PM): that crazy fucker ProfShewseffi (1:55:03 PM): hey in some sick twisted way ProfShewseffi (1:55:06 PM): he did asians a favor ProfShewseffi (1:55:08 PM): i mean ProfShewseffi (1:55:11 PM): i do not want ppl to die ProfShewseffi (1:55:36 PM): but he showed the world that asians arent just passive fuckers who do math all day JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:55:26 PM): LOL JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:55:28 PM): i guess so JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:55:34 PM): http://video.google.com/url?docid=-72185487...6kpxSPgg ProfShewseffi (1:55:49 PM): we are some crazy gun-toting republican motherfuckers compton style JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:55:45 PM): "we" as in orientals, or "we" as in you and me? ProfShewseffi (1:56:43 PM): orientals

The Professor brings up an interesting point. I've been tempted to play the "crazed, gun-toting, loner Oriental kid" card recently on some of these irritable Liberals who go through life racked with White Guilt here in the Blue State Frontier. God knows they're on edge nowadays because they let their tolerance get in the way of their common sense.

Or it could be that THE PURSWADER talks to me, the way that John London's switchblade Mr. Sticky talks to him on the show. And there, that's two more post labels to add.

Except that, shit, now I have to add the Jack Bauer recaps.

One more label: SANDRA BULLOCK'S NIPPY-NIPS

This next excerpt references the Mad TV clip linked above. Watch it, it's funny.

you sure it was him or some other oriental dude who looked like him?

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:57:03 PM): FREEE-ZUH!!! L.A.P.D.-UH!!! ProfShewseffi (1:58:11 PM): AW SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JihadJimmyMWCCDF (1:59:30 PM): see, these orientals are funny ProfShewseffi (1:59:56 PM): HAHAHAHAH bobby lee ProfShewseffi (1:59:59 PM): he did one before ProfShewseffi (2:00:01 PM): another 24 ProfShewseffi (2:00:25 PM): hahahahahhah ProfShewseffi (2:01:49 PM): HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! ProfShewseffi (2:03:45 PM): did you know that john cho went to Cal? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:03:38 PM): no shit! ProfShewseffi (2:03:56 PM): yeah ProfShewseffi (2:04:05 PM): he graduated in 99? 2000? ProfShewseffi (2:04:09 PM): i saw him on campus a few times ProfShewseffi (2:04:12 PM): before he got famous JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:04:13 PM): you sure it was him or some other oriental dude who looked like him? ProfShewseffi (2:04:35 PM): yeah it was him JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:04:38 PM): OK i was being sarcastic ProfShewseffi (2:04:58 PM): hhahhaha ProfShewseffi (2:04:59 PM): i know JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:06:08 PM): LOL check this out JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:06:21 PM): i searched for "john cho wikipedia" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:06:21 PM): http://www.blingo.com/search?q=john+cho+wikipedia&sourceid=firefox&s=0&s=0 JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:06:26 PM): look what the second result is JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:06:41 PM): LOL oh shit, john cho was an english major! ProfShewseffi (2:07:19 PM): they all are ProfShewseffi (2:07:21 PM): damn koreans ProfShewseffi (2:11:07 PM): ya know... in light of all of this convo ProfShewseffi (2:11:18 PM): we are justified to make racist comments against orientals ProfShewseffi (2:11:25 PM): because i, too, am an oriental JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:11:15 PM): oh yes as am i

If I can get Professor Shewseffi to embrace Oriental as the preferred nomenclature, I'll have made great inroads on my latest project in political incorrectness.

we're the mexicans of the orient

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:12:38 PM): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Model_minority JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:14:33 PM): whoa sweet, us lazy filipinos aren't considered a "model minority" ProfShewseffi (2:15:22 PM): you guys are considered the mah-dur puckers ProfShewseffi (2:15:30 PM): in your balik bayan boxes JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:15:22 PM): we're the mexicans of the orient ProfShewseffi (2:16:27 PM): that's right ProfShewseffi (2:16:39 PM): and anything below the region of hong kong ProfShewseffi (2:16:48 PM): they are the skidmarks on the underpants of asia

Mexicans of the Pacific Rim, Uncle Toms of the Pacific Rim. Pick 'em, I gots racial invectives galore!

Not that "Mexican" is a racial invective. It just has those connotations. Ask the Daily Californian. They edited one of my letters to the editor which referred to my Mexican friend who was running for some stupid political office for some stupid student government. She was Mexican, I've met her parents. But no, the Daily Cal had to change Mexican to Hispanic.

Not sure when or how perfectly good words like "Mexican" or "Jew" became politically incorrect. But now that they are, I'm more inclined to use them. Heh.

i knew that conversation looked familiar

ProfShewseffi (2:19:08 PM): sometimes i think that we have the funniest conversations ProfShewseffi (2:19:08 PM): hahahahaha ProfShewseffi (2:19:11 PM): very noteworthy ProfShewseffi (2:19:15 PM): and worth saving JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:19:05 PM): that's why i put them up on the SHoP ProfShewseffi (2:19:27 PM): HAHAHAH JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:25:14 PM): did you see the last time you made the SHoP? ProfShewseffi (2:25:47 PM): yeah i did ProfShewseffi (2:25:48 PM): just saw it ProfShewseffi (2:25:49 PM): ahhahahaah ProfShewseffi (2:25:51 PM): the OC ProfShewseffi (2:25:53 PM): ahahhahahaha!!! ProfShewseffi (2:25:55 PM): and our convo ProfShewseffi (2:26:02 PM): i knew that conversation looked familiar

Maybe if i'm not too lazy, I'll post up some more permalinks to Professor Shewseffi's earlier SHoP appearances.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

The SHoP weighs in on The O.C.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

The SHoP weighs in on sexual predatorialosity (???)
The SHoP weighs in on Virginia Tech

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 1:00 PM AND 2:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

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A little late to the party on this one, it looks like. It helps that I don't watch SNL anymore, and have never watched The O.C.



Although I think I've always known that these chicks were pretty hot. I've been a fan of Rachel Bilson ever since The Last Kiss. Or is she on One Tree Hill? I can never remember. Or is it that I can never begin to care?

So I've spent part of the morning looking for that video above, because this next one spoofs it. Pretty funny, and again, sorry I'm late to the party.



I have a feeling that I'll be making another iMovie slideshow from SixHertz's wedding...

Tio Jaime

The SHoP weighs in on Virginia Tech

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

The SHoP weighs in on sexual predatorialosity (???)

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 2:00 PM AND 4:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

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You've probably heard all the shit on the Left and all the shit on the Right about that crazy little fucker down in Virginia Tech...

...but have you heard two, real-life Orientals talk about the shootings??? I didn't think so.

So here you go. Don't say your favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime never did anything for you.

WTF kind of korean kid takes english?!?

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:05 PM): yo dude ProfShewseffi (2:53:43 PM): i know ProfShewseffi (2:53:47 PM): ballistic koreans ProfShewseffi (2:53:56 PM): gun toting kimchee eatingmother fucker JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:26 PM): I KNOW!!! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:37 PM): here's the problem right here... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:40 PM): i know why he was pissed JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:48 PM): he wanted to go Berkeley CE JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:54 PM): but couldn't get in ProfShewseffi (2:54:31 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:53:58 PM): and instead had to go to VA Tech JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:54:02 PM): and take up english ProfShewseffi (2:54:44 PM): didn't we whoop them in football last season JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:54:11 PM): WTF kind of korean kid takes english?!? ProfShewseffi (2:54:49 PM): like a preseason type game? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:54:27 PM): in a fucking BOWL GAME, motherfucker!!! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:54:29 PM): GO BEARS! ProfShewseffi (2:55:08 PM): OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ProfShewseffi (2:55:17 PM): which bowl was it? ProfShewseffi (2:55:21 PM): las vegas? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:54:50 PM): umm, maybe? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:54:54 PM): no LV bowl was BYU JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:55:07 PM): some bowl in el paso? sun bowl? ProfShewseffi (2:55:43 PM): we played A&M last season ProfShewseffi (2:55:48 PM): Ohhh 2 years ago? ProfShewseffi (2:55:51 PM): 2 bowls prior? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:55:18 PM): yah i think so ProfShewseffi (2:55:57 PM): 2004?? ProfShewseffi (2:55:59 PM): nooo ProfShewseffi (2:56:06 PM): we lost in 2004 to Tex Tech JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:55:34 PM): fuck if i know, all these stupid bowl games get confusing now JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:55:46 PM): i liked it when we went 2-10 but still beat $C

Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that we're both Republican?

Well, really, did you expect any less here at the SHoP?

Well, so we (Professor Shewseffi and myself) are two oriental republicans who don't really like orientals. God only knows how we made it through Berkeley engineering. It sure as fuck didn't help that Coach Tom and our squad of pre-Tedford Golden Bears sucked.

and when i saw him, i ran behind a chair

ProfShewseffi (2:59:50 PM): one of my roommates is a fobby korean ProfShewseffi (2:59:54 PM): like "harro" type korean JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:59:23 PM): dude, uncool ProfShewseffi (3:00:03 PM): and when i saw him, i ran behind a chair ProfShewseffi (3:00:06 PM): and acted scared JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:59:35 PM): chinese, japanese, vietnamese guys i'm OK with JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:59:40 PM): but not koreans JihadJimmyMWCCDF (2:59:47 PM): oh man, that's fucking HILARIOUS

This also means we're allowed to make oriental jokes.

Well, shit, you all can too. But it's funnier when we do it. Our eyes are already somewhat slanted. And now you have insight as to which orientals are really the crazy ones.

yeah, nice job you stupid virginian fuckers
JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:01:29 PM): http://mitchieville.blogspot.com/2007/04/bill-1572-and-virginia-tech-spokesman.html JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:01:38 PM): yeah, nice job you stupid virginian fuckers ProfShewseffi (3:02:55 PM): wow JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:02:36 PM): could've avoided some of this...

If I wasn't such a lazy ass, I'd post a useful link right here... oh fuck me, fine, here you go... Foreshadowing Tragedy at Virginia Tech by Lars Larson, courtesy OTW Mark

and really
JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:02:38 PM): and really JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:02:54 PM): why is everybody making such a big deal out of the bomb threats there from a few weeks ago? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:02:58 PM): it's a fucking college JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:03:07 PM): there are bomb threats during midterms ProfShewseffi (3:04:30 PM): HHAHAHAHAHAH

At Berkeley, there at one point was like 27 fire alarms pulled all at once during midterms. It was some stupdi protest against some affirmative action referendum that the Californians voted down. Typical whiny hippie wannabe-revolutionaries, they pulled 27 fire alarms. I don't remember the exact number, but it was whatever number the proposition was. Stupid fucking hippies.

the police did their jobs

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:04:05 PM): if this had happened at berkeley? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:04:21 PM): some dude could *easily* have shot people at the Units JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:04:31 PM): then walked over to evans hall and started shooting people JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:04:36 PM): chained the doors shut JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:04:42 PM): there's nothing anybody could've done JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:04:59 PM): the police did their jobs ProfShewseffi (3:06:24 PM): ahhahahahaahhaha JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:06:34 PM): gun control wouldn't have prevented Full Metal Gook from getting that glock 9 or that .22 JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:08:42 PM): fuckin' english major JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:09:01 PM): go watch a fucking artsy-fartsy movie or something ProfShewseffi (3:10:05 PM): ya those gun activists are having a field day with this one ProfShewseffi (3:10:18 PM): they fail to realize that if someone really wanted tomsething ProfShewseffi (3:10:21 PM): they can get it on the black market JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:10:09 PM): yah would a handgun ban have prevented this? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (3:10:26 PM): the CA waiting period wouldn't have prevented this

I don't want to rehash what the internet already did, anymore than I just did in that chat above. And also, ha ha, I reserve the right to delete comments. I'll delete ones that don't specifically address the whole oriental thing. Or comments that I just don't like.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

ps- THE PURSWADER says hello. But don't worry. He loves debauchery and deceitful charlatans.
pps- Hmm, aforementioned jabs at english majors aside, yes, Citizen SHoPper OTW Mark was an english major, if memory serves me correctly. But 1) he wasn't some crazy oriental who wrote shitty plays, and 2) he wasn't taking english at VA Tech. For these reasons alone, this is why we have no disdain for him. Go check out his site. There's a link above.

Looks like I only have myself to blame

Was going through the SHoP archives, in an attempt to fit in some last-minute tax preparation procrastination, when I found this old SHoP post...

Just when you thought that the Bay Area Left couldn't get any more unintelligible...

I've taken recently to deleting off-topic comments. Going into further detail would be tantamount to feeding certain things, so I won't. Although in the post above, it appears as if your favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime gave the greenlight to make non-topical comments...

Excerpt from aforementioned SHoP post
As it's 3am here, I myself am now bordering on the very unintelligibility towards which I'm trying to draw your once-a-month Citizen SHoPper attention. So feel free to comment below on this post, or maybe even a post you saw on OTW Mark's page!

And speaking of non-topical non sequiturs, are you Citizen SHoPpers still visiting the SHoP with IE? I had the misfortune of viewing the SHoP in IE, and man oh man our already-horrendous blog looks downright puke-alicious when it isn't viewed in Firefox.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Thanks to all you Little Brains who were so fucking excited about Snakes on a Plane

This is wonderful. For fuck's sake, just STFU and stop protesting useless shit. Pick your battles! Who gives a fuck what a PBS documentary says or doesn't say about Mexi-soldiers? Mexicans don't watch PBS!

HOLY FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS NOBODY WATCHES PBS!!!

But no, over some stupid perceived loss or injustice or wrong committed against Mexi-dudes who are watching Sabado Gigante, now they're making Ken Burns himself (for whom an entire graphical rendering is named) take suggestions about his documentary because it didn't include enough Mexi-stories?

PBS to add Latino voices to WWII series

Why Snakes on a Plane, you Little Brains might ask? Well shit, that was the movie that was going to be so stupid that people were going to enjoy it because it was stupid, right? Wonderful marketing. At least other campy movies took themselves seriously. At first.

But what was one of the cool retarded things about SoaP? Oh the producers added shit in at the request of you dumbfuck Little Brains. Thanks for setting such a shitty precedent.

I've always maintained that we have way too many directors and whoever else, but let me qualify that by saying that those that are around are necessary. Let them do their fucking jobs already.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

<gratuitousnippleplug>
PS- Just so I can use what could potentially be the most popular SHoP Label of all time... had Premonition been subject to this movie production via democracy, I would've suggested that both of Sandra Bullock's nippy-nips made simultaneous screen appearances, not just one at a time.
</gratuitousnippleplug>

Look! It's a 'tard!

Please, God, let this Anna Nicole Dannylynn Howard K. Stern Larry Birkhead crap be over now.

And three more words: Nappy-headed 'ho. Frankly, I think the whole fuss about it is a bunch of hypocritical crap. Not accounting for the people in the media who are making a big deal out of it, I think about 2 people actually care. All it does is make me think of people who annoy me.


I took the liberty of looking up 'nappy', and methinks the first of the two definitions is probably more offensive:

• diaper: garment consisting of a folded cloth drawn up between the legs and fastened at the waist; worn by infants to catch excrement
• crisp: of hair in small tight curls

2 posts in the last week? Could this be a trend?

OK opening week kinda sucked

1-6. That's fucking great. Abso-fucking-lutely great. Well, let's hope that it makes for many giants related SHoP posts. So let's fucking get this over with already...

it's going to be a lonnng season

AIM IM with LittleBell98. 11:26 PM CommissionerJimmy: WTF! CommissionerJimmy: "San Diego's Chris Young outdueled San Francisco's Matt Cain, who allowed just one hit in seven innings but lost 1-0 to the Padres on pinch-hitter Geoff Blum's sacrifice fly Monday night." CommissionerJimmy: how do you outduel somebody who only gave up one hit? LittleBell98: when your team sucks, you get shafted CommissionerJimmy: aside from giving up *no* hits CommissionerJimmy: dude CommissionerJimmy: we need shinjo CommissionerJimmy: benard CommissionerJimmy: santiago LittleBell98: hehe LittleBell98: it's going to be a lonnng season CommissionerJimmy: darren baker CommissionerJimmy: need to trade away Benitez for darren baker LittleBell98: lonnng season, dude

I think your pitcher can be outgunned, but your team can still win the game. I would think that if you gave up FOUR TIMES AS MANY HITS as the opposing pitcher did, that qualifies as an outgunning. Or in this case, an outdueling.

But hey, another Matt Cain near-no-hitter? Oh he's a-comin', you NL West pigfuckers! Pray that he doesn't get some magic beans from his uncle Barry...

Oh. Not Zito. The angry black one...

dude, that patch sucks!

LittleBell98: this team's terrible CommissionerJimmy: i think they're concentrating too hard on the all-star game CommissionerJimmy: that's the only thing i can think of LittleBell98: haha LittleBell98: the patch isnt even all that exciting CommissionerJimmy: dude, that patch sucks! LittleBell98: im not even sure if i want to drive to watch them this weekend in pittsburgh CommissionerJimmy: it looked like it was thrown on the jerseys as an afterthought 11:30 PM CommissionerJimmy: kind of like the bullpens at pac bell CommissionerJimmy: "oh fuck, we forgot about the all-star patches! quick! put em where ever you can find room!" LittleBell98: haha

Apparently near the completion of the design of Pac Bell Park, they realized all of a sudden, "oh shit, we don't have any bullpens!" So they had to squeeze them into the already cramped foul territory...

im guessing 79-82
LittleBell98: how many games you think we'll win this year? LittleBell98: im guessing 79-82 CommissionerJimmy: that'd be nice CommissionerJimmy: i think .500 is asking a bit much LittleBell98: i agree LittleBell98: this team cant compete against divisional rivals LittleBell98: just wait til the roadtrips out east start CommissionerJimmy: we're on pace to win 23! LittleBell98: haha

We kid. We kid because we care. We're gonna win at least 30 this year. You can take that to the bank!

we won on a wind-aided aurilia bloop

CommissionerJimmy: the headlines at sfgiants.com are depressing CommissionerJimmy: "Cain dazzles, but still takes loss for Giants" CommissionerJimmy: "Rough second outing for Zito in Giants' loss" CommissionerJimmy: "Ortiz's return to Giants ends in defeat" LittleBell98: we could very well be 0-7, too 11:35 PM CommissionerJimmy: oh my favorite is "Bonds, Giants not ready to panic" LittleBell98: we won on a wind-aided aurilia bloop LittleBell98: haha

Just think. If the G-men were 0-7, we'd be on pace to go 0-162. How fucking rad would that be? They should give us a wild card berth just because it'd be funny.

that didnt turn out well
CommissionerJimmy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=-5wcT3dtii8 CommissionerJimmy: oh i like this one too... CommissionerJimmy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=yY0Z-pnsbGU CommissionerJimmy: Erin Esurance is fucking *HAWT* 12:00 AM LittleBell98: marquis LittleBell98: that didnt turn out well LittleBell98: or jose, either

Unfortunately, that's the only Giants commercial from 2003 I can find online. There's another where they introduce Damian Moss and Ray Durham to the locker room. I actually have the Lou Seal beatbox one on my computer, somewhere. Got it from infrequent SHoP Overlord and Dodger Trash LMHBrent. Maybe I'll put it on youtube...

And Erin Esurance is HAWT. And Grissom and Cruz, Jr. were both wastes of eye-black.

Jihad Jimmy
Commissioner, SHoP Department of Recreational Sport (Non-nude)

I WIN!!! Good day, sir!

I was looking for a youtube video of that famous line from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The cool Gene Wilder one, not the Johnny Depp clusterfuck from a few years ago. Youtube didn't quite have what I was looking for, so I looked on blingo.com...



To date, I've won over $100 worth of shit. You could've too, but you didn't listen to your Tio Jaime back in this old-assed post. You probably aren't listening to him right now either.

Fuck it. Just go visit this ytmnd. Funny shit.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Congratulations!

Our faithful readers will be happy to know there's one more conservative (aka, sane--of course sane, she's my wife!!) attorney in Illinois - Shiraz got her bar results today, and she's a first-time passer! Congratulations on the successful culmination of your hard work! We're partying now!!

On another note, your infrequent (yet faithful) SHoP overlord is in his 3rd quarter at Chicago GSB (and still looking for a summer internship) and busy as all hell. Thanks to Jihad Jimmy for keeping the midnight oil burning. I will get back to blogging sometime soon when things start slowing down--and I have a lot to say...

Oh man, I just shot myself in the face!

No real reason for this post except to use that post title. I don't care about this, and I really don't expect you to either. It's a nice apolitical post today, with a dash of pop culture thrown in as an attempt to be funny.

S.F. girl, 14, accidentally shoots herself in the face and dies

Although I suppose it would've been funnier if she'd been named Marvin or something...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Some games for you

Here are some cool games which you Citizen SHoPpers might like. You may have even pointed me towards one or two of them.

Chick Chick Boom

Cool little game which I found this morning on the linkdumps, I'll have to check it out some more later after work.

Tower Defense

A favorite of Infrequent SHoP Overlord SixHertz and Citizen SHoPper MwHCock.

Insaniquarium

A SHoP classic. No way I could omit this, what with its history here in the House of Pain.
FUCKING ALIEN ATE MY EXPENSIVE FISH. ASSHOLE.
"by the way, fyi, the electric eel is a worthless piece of shit. there. i said it."

Connect 2

Says it's easy, but this game is DECEPTIVELY HARD!!! I've only gotten to Level 2. You only get three hints! They don't recharge after each level!

OK happy gaming. I'm gonna stop playing Chick Chick Boom. For now. Feel free to post your own games in the comments. And I'm deleting comments that have nothing to do with internet games.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Dirty Hippies, Reality Television, Strip Clubs, Killing Trees, Nasty Protest Chicks, California Baseball, Leetspeak, and, um... Strip Clubs. Again.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

No Magic Dog this time, but I seem to be the only one that noticed...

Saw Premonition tonight with a friend. We saw the reviews at Rotten Tomatoes first, but we still wanted to go check it out. Bear in mind, Citizen SHoPpers, that this is the same friend who I managed to convince to see The Butterfly Effect. After that Ashton Kutcher pukefest, I told her, in what I thought was pretty clearly a self-deprecating jab, that "she was my only friend stupid enough to want to see it with me."

I guess it wasn't interpreted that way. I finally clarified that comment tonight, on the way to Premonition.

WTF. I'm gathering up the links above, and how the fuck did The Butterfly Effect get a 33% on rotten tomatoes, but Premonition only got an 8%?!?

Go check out those links above if you haven't already, and if you trust your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime enough, go check out the movie itself. If you're brave enough to withstand the ridicule of your friends.

I'll nitpick movies, sure, and this one certainly deserved it, but I'll still recommend this movie. Despite gaping plot holes (which it seems that everybody is picking up on), I was still entertained and kept in suspense and most importantly able to follow along. I can't speak for the Leftist Blue-State Fuck-ups around me, but this rednecky oriental was able to follow it wire-to-wire.

I'll take you through the plot holes. Don't worry, this shouldn't spoil anything.

---

PLOT HOLE #1 - SO, REALLY, WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKED UP SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM?
Well, really, this movie seems to have taken its cues from Sandra Bullock's previous time-travel clusterfuck and ran the credits before they took the time to explain why time was all fucked up. (and as above, a clusterfuck that scored higher than even The Butterfly Effect)

The Magic Dog noted in the post title can be referenced in that wikipedia entry. Helpful timeline too. But in Sandra Bullock's film both here and last year, we're just supposed to overlook the science-fictiony gimmick? Dude, not this engineer, no sir. i already overlooked the fact that a bus can't take a cloverleaf off-ramp at over 50mph while clinging to the outer-facing sides of cars such that it doesn't explode.

PLOT HOLE #2 - WAIT, IF HER DAUGHTER'S FACE WAS CUT ON TUES-DEE, WHY DIDN'T WE SEE THE STITCHES WHEN THE MOVIE STARTED UP ON A THURS-DEE?
Well this would've detracted from the funeral on Satur-dee. C'mon now, concentrate on her pajamas!

PLOT HOLE #3 - WHAT ABOUT HER BEING COMITTED? WHAT ABOUT THE GRANDMOTHER ACTING IRRATIONALLY ABOUT THE CHILD ABUSE ANGLE? HOW DID THOSE GET RESOLVED?
She went to sleep and woke up the next morning wearing something different because it was a different day. What don't you understand about that?

---

I know that I'm dwelling on these holes long enough to stay up late and write a SHoP post about them, but that still doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the movie. I enjoyed it a lot, and honestly can't see why it rated so low on Rotten Tomatoes.

Especially compared to The Lake House and The Butterfly Effect.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

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Late night Cal Glockenspiel chat! Live girls standing by, waiting to talk to you!!!

did you notice how the girl broke her face on Tuesday but was totally fine on Thursday?

1:40 AM CalGlockJimmy: where'd you go today? CalGlockChristine: Japantown CalGlockChristine: and Metreon CalGlockChristine: and we watched Premonition CalGlockChristine: don't watch it CalGlockChristine: it sucks! CalGlockJimmy: dude, we watched Premonition! CalGlockJimmy: i thought it was pretty cool! CalGlockJimmy: i'm blogging about it right now CalGlockChristine: really? CalGlockChristine: heheh CalGlockJimmy: i'll send you a link in a few minutes CalGlockChristine: I mean, Sandtra Bullock was okay CalGlockChristine: But the rest of the cast was kind of blah CalGlockChristine: did you notice how the girl broke her face on Tuesday but was totally fine on Thursday? CalGlockJimmy: yah, that was one of my main beefs CalGlockJimmy: apparently everybody's writing about that CalGlockChristine: lol CalGlockChristine: I didn't notice until someone pointed it out to me CalGlockChristine: but yeah 1:45 AM CalGlockJimmy: sixhertz.blogspot.com CalGlockJimmy: top post CalGlockChristine: okay

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