Just say Yes (my sincerest apologies to First Lady Nancy Reagan)

It appears as if peer pressure will claim yet another victim, although the ironic shortfall of this our beloved internet seems to be slowing me down.

I want to start chewing, but the whole mouth/lip/throat cancer thing is a huge deterrent. And actually, more so than that is the whole idea of my teeth and mouth and gums turning weird, fucked-up colors that dissuades me from the smokeless tobacco. Actually, this discoloration of teeth phobia of mine also contributes to a decrease in soda consumption. I'm almost always sprite/7-up nowadays. I don't drink coffee (despite living in seattle for a year and a half) and tea only on very rare ocassions.

But I have been spitting a lot on this job, I'm not sure why as I never did before. At one point, my project manager asked me, "Have you started chewing?"

And that right there was probably one of the worst ideas to put into my stupid, stupid head. (Strip Club related note: I miss Stupid Hat and Stupid Dress.)

Enter the Internet(s). A quick visit to Thompson Cigar and a brief review of my memory yields Smokey Mountain Chew, which is (and this is the elusive Jimmy-original here, not something I stole from somebody else) a "tobaccoless smokeless tobacco". Ooh, bonus! It's apparently just some herbal chew which is supposed to help people quit chewing tobacco. Noyce! Check out www.smokeysnuff.com for more details... But my potential new vice is looking promising as the website advertises "Tobacco Free" and "Nicotine Free".

OK so where to buy in lovely blue state, big tobacco hating, militant anti smoking California? Ralph's. San Ramon and Dublin. Hey, that's great. Good For You. Oh wait, Smokey Mountain should be readily available at Wal-Mart and 7-Eleven.

(And why do you write out "eleven" but leave the "7"?)

OK so how exactly do I, a suburban engineer schooled at an all-boys school and the People's Republic of Berzerkeley, chew tobacco? I've seen it in the movies. I've actually seen several of my project managers chew, but to ask them to teach me will probably be more trouble than it's worth.

Enter the Internet(s) again.

A google search for "smokeless tobacco faq" yields a buttload of resources to assist Joe Sixpack in his quest to quit chewing tobacco. Hmm, this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.

Smokeless Tobacco: Tips on How to Stop -- familydoctor.org
Chew and snuff: Deadly alternatives to cigarettes

Here's a FAQ which seems to be what I'm looking for, as it defines some basic terms. See, there's a difference between "snuff" and "chew". Although to depend on such clinical definitions may also garner ridicule from the more seasoned construction rednecks (or engineer-rednecks, as I'm apparently trying to pursue).

oh yay. ain't california grand? I have so much disdain for the anti-smoking crowd that if it weren't for the fact that tobacco is a stupid idea, I'd take up smoking just to piss people off. Heh, think about that one for a while. I agree with their message, but am completely turned off by them to the point where I'm considering smoking which I feel to be detrimental to my health. Weird shit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT i think i found it!!!

The Art of Chewing Tobacco for the Complete Ignoramus! by Wayne Erbsen

Oh dude! I'm so there! I'm such the Complete Ignoramus!!!

WTF? This article is about playing banjo. Which I'd also like to do, but I can't play banjo while @ work.

"Before we get into the actual teaching of the art of chewing, the writer has an embarrassing confession to make. In all honesty, I must admit that I have not yet, and probably never will, chewed tobacco." Great. That's exactly what you want to tell people as your convincing them to put carcinogens in their mouths. Or in my case, herbs or mint.

"7. Walk outside. The great outdoors is the best place to learn the art of chewing tobacco. Don't be caught chewing tobacco in the closet. That is reserved for picking the banjo." I swear to God, this is pissing me off.

OK that was great. Thanks a fuckload, Wayne, I've learned nothing. That was three minutes out of my life that I'll never have back. Oh that's lovely. That's just fucking lovely.

Well, OK. I'm just gonna bite the bullet, head over to 7-Eleven and buy some tobaccoless smokeless tobacco.

I seem to recall having a conversation with a friend about how nicotine gum could be used to get people started smoking. I'd be worried that herbal snuff or mint snuff is a gateway kinda habit, but since this is just really to satisfy my oral fixation, I think I'll be alright.

And in closing, you're probably asking yourself, "Why?" Well, in lieu of normal New Year's Resolutions, I tend to choose odd things to start doing in the New Year. They don't necessarily make me a better person, no. A couple of years ago, I decided to cultivate the idiosyncracy of touching food/beverages to my chin prior to consumption (a la Brad Garrett in Everybody Loves Raymond). I do it now without a second thought. "Shouldn't you work out more, Tio Jaime? Eat better, perhaps?" And yes, I try to better myself by trying to do these things throughout the year. I don't wait until each January.

OK, off to 7-Eleven. Wish me luck.