If you're a frequent SHoPper, you'll know that two of the things which I hold dear are 1) The San Francisco Giants, and 2) my livid disdain for the Leftist Blue-State Fuck-ups who populate San Francisco.
It's nice though, that I'm willing to forego #2 for #1-- at least for the roughly 30,000 people who happen to be in AT&T SBC Pacific Bell Park with me, cheering on the G-men. But HFS, now you're making me rethink my amnesty.
Giants hosting the Los Angeles Angels of Anahym tonight at Pac Bell. Old roommate Rafterman and I bought $10 VR tickets, wore our Robb Nen jerseys (Giants fans, don't feel obliged to read that article. You'll find yourself choking back tears.)
Matt Cain on the mound for the Giants, Kelvim Escobar on the mound for the Halos. Matt Cain walks Chone Figgins to start the game. Figgins tries to steal second, the throw from Alfonzo bounces short and then off of Figgins into shallow left-center. Barry Bonds hobbles over, but by then Figgins is waved home. Doesn't draw a throw from Bonds. It ain't even close. 1-0 Angels.
Cain gets out of the inning. Giants score two in the bottom of the first. Bonds doubled home Randy Winn, Mark Sweeney scores on Steve Finley RBI groundout to second. 2-1 Giants.
And then Matt Cain pitches a gem of a game! He's at 100 pitches right around the 6th or 7th, but he's still hitting 94, 95 on the gun. Pac Bell erupts when he strikes out the side in the seventh.
In the eighth, he strikes out Tim Salmon looking, who was pinch hitting for Escobar. The crowd loves it, especially those of us for whom 2002 will be remembered with pain and defeat. Two outs, top of the eighth. Chone Figgins up again.
I know it, Rafterman knows it, but like good baseball people, we're not saying a single thing. Cain has a no-hitter going, despite the unearned run in the first. Full count to Figgins, and the crowd is up on their feet--
"NO!!!" we scream, "SIT THE FUCK DOWN, IT'S ONLY THE EIGHTH GODDAM INNING!!!"
Line drive to center field. First hit of the game for the Angels. Goodbye, no-hitter.
"YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS," we yell to anybody in front of us who will listen. Which was nobody. "WHAT THE FUCK DID WE JUST TELL YOU?!?"
Matt Cain is pulled at the end of the eighth to a standing ovation. Myself and Rafterman included, of course. Armando Benitez is brought in to finish up the Nenth Inning.
Two outs. Full count. A loud, Filipino Republican yells, "FULL COUNT, WHY DON'T YOU STAND UP? YOU WERE SO EAGER BEFORE, BUT NOW YOU'RE SITTING DOWN LIKE HUMPS?!?"
Crowd stands up again.
"DID YOU NOT LEARN? SIT THE FUCK DOWN, YOU RETARDS!"
And another single. The oriental father and daughter in front of us start laughing as Rafterman and I start bitching again.
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DON'T STAND UP DURING A FULL COUNT WITH TWO OUTS!"
Tying run on first, go-ahead run in the batter's box. Pops up to centerfield for the final out. Giants 2 runs on 4 hits, 1 error. Angels 1 run on 2 hits, no errors.
That last out? Nobody was standing up. Batter popped up on a 0-1 count, I think. Doesn't fucking matter. The Giants didn't have their first no-hitter since 1976. Cain pitched one fucking sweet-assed game-- he's gonna be the next Jason Schmidt, or something-- but I'm still pissed at all of you Little Brains who stood up and deprived me and the SHoP of a no-hitter.
AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE: STOP GOUGING US ON GIANTS TICKETS ON CRAIGSLIST. Do that Little Brain shit on eBay. You can't even run your own stupid notions of socialism correctly. You have to have an angry Republican like myself to set you cheesedicks straight. 
Fuckity-fuck, even I understand the concept of this communal marketplace. But I don't try to make people think my shit doesn't stink. Enlightened my cold-hearted, capitalistic, philistine ass.
All of you San Franciscans make me sick. Especially you non-Northern-California-native San Franciscans. And it's not even enough that you love the Giants anymore. Next time, don't get so excited about a potential no-hitter. Rafterman and I made it throughout the entire first eight innings without saying "no-hitter". Sure, we said, "He's got good stuff," and "He's still hitting 95 on the gun with 120 pitches!" but not once did we jinx our pitcher. You did. You cost us that no-hitter. All of You can Get Bent.
But nice job, Matt Cain. Put on a great show tonight.
| 8.0 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 BB, 10 K |
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Jihad Jimmy
Commissioner, SHoP Department of Recreational Sport (Non-nude)
ps- Hey, Maggie, check it out... Cain was born in Dothan, AL.
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You fucker. I've been posting up my blingo referral URL since your goddam birthday LAST YEAR and now you have a banner up to steal the good Citizen SHoPpers away? Fuck that! That shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Citizen SHoPpers, I trust you to do what is right.
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