Throw these back, Mr. Sandman...

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...
Flighty San Francisco Women, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love M---- whoa whoa whoa, hold on there...
Three Simple Words: I AM GAY
UPDATE: Retarded Craigslist Golddigger!
No problemo.
Hi! We're San Franciscans! We're tolerant of homosexuality, bestiality, necrophelia, white-bashing, man-bashing, and Catholic-bashing!
Yay for lonely and socially retarded San Franciscans!
All I Wanna Do
Hi! I have no discernable male genitalia!
uber-post
And you all wonder why Tio Jaime complains about Bay Aryan single women?

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 2:00 PM AND 3:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

---

I'm sure you've picked up on it, but Tio Jaime isn't really in a yay-for-the-fairer-sex mood right now. Not sure exactly why, I had a good weekend woman-wise...

Are you an architect with a foreign accent? - 30
(rhothetaphi.org mirror here)
Wow! You're shallow and illogical! Why am i not surprised you want to try to make yourself smarter w/o the actual effort and pain of learning, but instead trying to learn by some stupid far-fetched osmosis? And lemme guess, you want a sexy sounding accent, right? You won't want some engrish accented oriental architect. How about a Canadian architect? How aboot that, eh?

Shallow whore.

Help! I keep meeting Republicans! - 24
(rhothetaphi.org mirror here)
You must be the unluckiest little whore in all of the bay area, because HFS you're surrounded by Leftist limp-wrists. But you want somebody who looks like a republican but votes like a dirty hippie? You poor dumbfuck of a woman.

I especially like how you want somebody who's too much of a pussy to actually carry through with the "moving-to-canada" threat. Nice job. When you want to completely satisfy your mentally retarded libido, I hope you've saved some of those republican phone numbers.

New Model, Just Released - 32 (oakland lake merritt / grand)
(rhothetaphi.org mirror here)
I know she's trying her hardest to be Charming (which goes very far in Tio Jaime Nation), but this just comes off as vehicular manslaughterly irritating. I just want to test drive her. C'est tout.

come inside my warm, black box - 25 (marina / cow hollow)
(rhothetaphi.org mirror here)
I liked this post title. Didn't read the rest of the ad too carefully...

posting title: [go easy on capitals] - 24 (emeryville)
(rhothetaphi.org mirror here)
do you know how annoying your ad was?

do you honestly think that anybody read through the whole thing?

could you have at least posted a naughty pic of yourself and maybe your cleavage?

do you realize just how ashamed i am that you have a mac?

Innocent Looking... With a Secret - 31
(rhothetaphi.org mirror here)
Oh, one of you again? What the fuck could you possibly know about quantum physics? Can you even do simple 2-dimensional kinematics?

[update time=2022]
Secretary from work found this CL post for me a few days ago, in an attempt to find a suitable Tio-Jaime-woman... my comments were in red, but our scanner only did greyscale


click thumbnails to enlarge in new window
[/update]

And you all wonder why Tio Jaime complains about Bay Aryan single women?

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...
Flighty San Francisco Women, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love M---- whoa whoa whoa, hold on there...
Three Simple Words: I AM GAY
UPDATE: Retarded Craigslist Golddigger!
No problemo.
Hi! We're San Franciscans! We're tolerant of homosexuality, bestiality, necrophelia, white-bashing, man-bashing, and Catholic-bashing!
Yay for lonely and socially retarded San Franciscans!
All I Wanna Do
Hi! I have no discernable male genitalia!
uber-post

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 11:00 AM AND 12:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

---

This chick is annoying.

At least when I go out with Grace-look-alikes, it makes the evening interesting. Not once did I want to run over Greta. Do you see what normal chicks are like here in and around the bay area? Do you see why it's imperative that SixH find me a nice woman who still has her USAF uniform?

Excerpt from CL post (mirrored here)
a little about what i've been thinking about recently:

OK. That right there should send up warning flags all over the place. Keep going. It only gets better.

Excerpt from CL post (mirrored here)

i've had an interesting couple of weeks. i've discovered that my personality is a societal construct. in other words, that my personality is a phenomenon, as opposed to a noumenon. this has been quite interesting for me, as such, to be thinking about, especially in regards to how it relates to what i understand of the theory of relativity, which is, naturally, a phenomenon. if i am not my personality inhabiting my body, then what am i? well, it gets interesting, and while i'd love to explain here, i know from past personal experience that if i do so, this posting will probably get flagged and removed. so if you'd like to know more, perhaps you should email me about it and hopefully i will be able to make time to reply.

God, you are one annoying chick.

And WTF does this next line mean?

Excerpt from CL post (mirrored here)

when i choose, whether consciously or out of habitual default, to inhabit my personality, i am, among other things: available - i do not have a boyfriend, significant other, husband, lover, etc. i enjoy being single--i have a lot of time for myself, my art, my school, and my friends--yet am ready to commit to a fabulous, healthy relationship with someone awesome. (i have to say here, i am particularly pleased to have used em dashes here. i don't usually use them in my writing, and i am going to start sprinkling them in, as of now.) intelligent - i enjoy conversing about many interesting topics, asking questions when someone else knows more about something than i do, answering questions if it's the other way around, and such. i do not rely upon television show/advertisement content as topics of conversation. i love to learn and i love to read and i love to think about things in new and different ways Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah blah blah! Blah-- blah blah blah blah blah-- blah blah blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah blah blah blah... Blah, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah!

Unfortunately, this chick blathers on for another 10 mins or so. I read about 5 lines before i realized, "ooh, i can post this on the SHoP!"

Tio J

All I Wanna Do

"All I wanna do is get a little sleep before midnight,"
Says Tio Jaime, out of nowhere.
He hasn't had his caffeine, he says he's Jihad Jimmy.
But I'm sure it's Jim, or Jimbo or James or Fucktard.

And he's plain tired to me,
And I wonder if he's ever gonna try to go and get some sleep tonight.
We are blogging early on a Tuesday
The SHoP is open late for all you junkies.

The good people of the world are sleeping soundly in their bedrooms,
Tossing and turning, trying to find that perfect spot.

'Trose! asks him a tricky question, about file sharing.
Jihad Jimmy doesn't have a clue where to go about looking.
But there's nothing like his Emily...

---

Ahhh...what the f*ck... :) - 23
OK I saw this one right as I was about to close Safari (mac browser, blows Microsuck IE out of the water.), and dammit, she mentions physics! I can't let this slide, not even until tomorrow...

IS UP WITH ALL THESE DUMB WOMEN WHO PRETEND TO LIKE PHYSICS??? No way in hell that you're all physics majors, and therefore no way in hell that you can fully appreciate a conversation about quantum physics with a man qualified to converse about it. What? Is it trendy? Is it the new "I want a man who can make me laugh?" Or is it just some marijuana reference that I'm just not getting even though I went to goddam Berkeley?

You know what's cooler than physics? Structural engineering. No really, it is. Here, don this bra and garter set and allow me to demonstrate.

If you genuinely were into physics then you should've been waiting outside of our 7A, 7B, and 7C classes in Le Conte Hall on MWF. Or were you too busy drinking and getting high to realize that the people who you could actually have mindsex with were in real lectures with real professors? That's what I thought.

Looking for a hot 25-hour long love session...bring peanutbutter - 24
umm, I really liked this ad.

Wow, I got somewhat aroused by reading that.

You had me at Texas. And again at peanut butter.

Assless chaps? And oooh, she pops it straight up in the infield! In Blue State San Fran-fucking-cisco? Shortstop is drifting over behind the bag... Good luck finding those on a straight man. Calls off the second baseman, and reels it in to end the inning. After 3 innings of play, it's the Los Angeles Gaylords Dodgers 2, the San Francisco Giants 5.

Happy End to Singles Awareness Day!!! - 19
Oh I'm sorry, is that what we're calling it now? Well allow me to retort:

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

OK, so come tomorrow, you and the rest of the Attention Whores aren't gonna be depressed anymore? If you can be this easily manipulated by the media and that evil, evil corporate America, please step away from the voting booth. You are, unbeknownst to you, destroying the democratic process with your lack of cognitive abilities. You were undecided going into the party conventions, weren't you?

Looking for smart, fun, non-materialistic guy who can make me laugh - 29
Yay, a militant vegan! Don't be fooled by her "I'm vegan and, while you don't have to be" horseshit. The only thing worse than a moral, evangelizing vegan is a self-admitted "militant non-smoker." We can easily cross-apply that which I wrote about the smoker to the vegan...

Oh, a "militant non-smoker" great. Read: selfish nazi whore-beast who will think she knows more about everything than you could ever possibly hope to know in your pathetic, ambivalent-towards smoking life

Yeah, this vegan won't start crying when you're trying to enjoy that nice, juicy steak. Wake up, man! She gives you a URL to some "meat is murder" site, she mentions her vegan-ism later in the post!

And I've been waiting for this part of her ad... she complains, parenthetically:

(Do a search for "vegan" in the personals section, and you'll always find postings from people who require that someone *not* be vegan. Ridiculous. But I digress....)

THERE! WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED, YOU CHICKENFUCKERS!!! It's Ridiculous that somebody might not share your craziness???

Gentlemen, please take note: 1) What is "Ridiculous" today is "OMG, you're such a fucking bastard I hate you, go burn in hell you prick" tomorrow, and 2) what is indignation at "people who require that someone *not* be vegan" is smug satisfaction with "people who include No Republicans on their CL ads."

Jimmy-fucius say: Rriberarr confuse about mascurrinity end up poking horre in prophirractic, and voirra! You baby-daddy now! You send chirrd support! Better you run away to Middrre America, where chinese food suck cock and barrs, but women have varrues! Good strong famirry varrues! Stay away from flied lice in Crreverrand, OH!!! Ohio! 1 2 16 18 27 30

Jihad Jimmy, Chief Defender of the Faith

ps- posting at 1am?? I gots DSL now!

Yay for lonely and socially retarded San Franciscans!

You might think that it's somewhat hypocritical of me to make fun of people trying to find relationships whilst I have no relationship of my own, save me and my iPod Sookie (pics up, if you're crafty you can find them), me and my TiBook Emily, and me and my two trucks, Lorelai and 120035. I call him "35" for short...

Well, my response in a nutshell? Get Bent. There are desperate people out there (myself included, it appears), but only a fraction of those desperates post stupid things on craigslist. The non-desperates and the remainder of desperates get to laugh at these people and their posts. Sometimes, these posts are in SHoP form, for your convenience. Yay!

Oh and the fact that I'm using the word "desperate" to describe myself on Valentine's Day? Umm, yeah OK cheesedick, you need not read into that or analyze it anymore than is necessary. I'm always desperate. Even when I'm in a relationship. This is part of being a Type A personality. You haven't stumbled onto something new. Put your damn pants back on.

blue collar intellectual type - 31
Gimme a Fucking Break. Yet another Bay Aryan hippie who can't decide if she likes her men blue collar or blue state. Perhaps she's going for the whole "tortured artist who wants to follow his dream of dancing but is stuck as a welder" angle. Except she wants a dude, and not Jennifer Beals.

Do you own a baby grand piano?
I have a glockenspiel. Will that suffice? I'll let you wear the glock strap...

(Oh, and nice job kids on the cal percussion website. You have a pic of one of the glockenspiel players and a shitty picture of somebody holding and playing a glock from behind and to the side. And a glock by itself. Thanks for all the help, chickenfuckers)

Calling all Latter Day Anti-Valentines Day activists - 43
DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET THE 60s HIPPIE CULTURE PERMEATE SOCIETY?!? Look, I don't have a date tonight, the last time I came close was four years ago when my GF at the time left a week before valentine's day. but I'm not mad, I'm not insanely bitter. Fuck, you crazy woman, get new parts for your head! Seriously, I CAN'T AFFORD TO WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD ANTI-HIPPIE RANT-AGE ON YOU AND YOUR STUPID CRAPPOLA!

See what you made me do? I had to pull out the all-caps because you applied your stupid hippie-ness to something as harmless as valentine's. If you're mad, just go home and punch the Jesuit.

Well, if you're a guy. Then self-abuse has a somewhat angry, semi-violent undertone. Think about it, "spank the monkey" and "flog the dolphin"? But I bet your favorite is now Punch the Jesuit. Yes, male masturbation is like football. Fun until somebody gets hurt.

But for you SHoPpettes out there...


(Hmm. Really should've closed with the puppies. Everybody loves puppies.)
(On a somewhat related note, I went to the Golden Gate Kennel Club Dog Show a few weekends back. Very cool. I want to get a dog. Or even my own dog who became my sister's dog in Santa Monica. Dog show was very red statey... you could see dogs named George, Rush, Dubya. Very cool.)

* * * ! ! ! SEEKING A WINGMAN FOR PICKING UP - 35
Dude, uncool. He strikes me as the kind of guy who has no concept of personal space. Which is somewhat cool if he's a cute little irish/italian stripper wearing boyshorts (and caveat, this isn't always good. Sometimes they have doggy-breath... yuck), but he's not. He'll probably playfully touch you. Guy on guy. Which is even only marginally acceptable if you're really good friends. But some potentially lonely gay guy stuck in his closet that you met on CL or on Tio Jaime's mirror? That's not good. No sir.

Ya damn dummy, you...

Well shit, now that I'm sufficiently off-topic...

53" Sony Big Screen tv television (not working) (san jose south)
Waterlogged, eh? I don't even want to ask. Why the fuck would-- no, I don't wanna know.

OK enough blogging for now. Must e-mail people. Yes, some of them are girls. No, it's not for work.

Happy Mon-dee!
Tio Jaime, Chief Defender of the Faith

No problemo.

So I was combing CL again looking for some SHoP fodder... when I found this. It is a true and sincere cry for help in this lonely city, surrounded by millions of faceless Bay Aryans. I choked back tears as I crafted my tender yet authoritative response...

40 Microbiologists Killed: Something Fishy Going On? - 27
Re: 40 Microbiologists Killed URGENT PLS READ - 27

rhothetaphi.org mirrors:
40 Microbiologists Killed: Something Fishy Going On? - 27
Re: 40 Microbiologists Killed URGENT PLS READ - 27

I hope she's alright.

Jihad Jimmy, Chief Defender of the Faith

UPDATE: Retarded Craigslist Golddigger!

Oh most glorious, glorious day!!!

Back around the election, I posted this, which talked about dumbtard women posting on CL. I was upset to find that the aircraft chick's post had expired before people really got a chance to read it.

But lo and behold, she's back!!! And this time, I'm hosting her CL ad well after it is taken off the CL servers.

Did I mention oh most glorious glorious day?

I'm ALL YOURS, as long as you have an AIRCRAFT - 30
Go read the original comments here. Everything still applies. Like the smoking nazi stuff.

Pic of me:

Play it as it lies!

My aircraft:

from EHOWA. Cute USAF captain at the bottom. Damn, I think the cute air force captain i met up in Seattle flew A-10s out of NAS Whidbey Island? it was some officer exchange program. very hawt

Three Simple Words: I AM GAY

As a single, heterosexual male living in lovely Oakland, I look at the bleak dating pool which my native Bay Area has to offer to me and think to myself, "I really should talk to 'Trose! about getting some GRE or GMAT stuff so I can possibly apply to grad school at Texas and find myself a nice co-ed who is just there for her MRS degree."

I remind myself that I'm Republican, and therefore have disqualified myself in the eyes of many a Bay Aryan liberal woman.

Here is a select number of Bay Aryan women (aryannes, perhaps?) who are trolling for a man on Craigslist. Unfortunately, none of them automatically disqualify Republicans. Believe, you, me I looked for them. Usually you can find several of them. I wonder why there were none this go around.

Oh, and stop and think about it if you'd like, but when you say "BelieveYouMe" the only real way to write it out is with all of the commas.

Anycrap, here they are. I don't want any of them, so they're all yours...

"Pee on You" - 26
Most other people would have saved this for last, but not me, oh heck no. It was actually the first I found chronologically, and in any case, I'm going for the Shock and Awe.

The Bay Area really is nice, I wholly recommend you visit and even live here. Shit! I just remembered what I wanted to mention in yesterday's rant-tastic post! FLYOVER COUNTRY BEGINS IN CONCORD, CALIFORNIA. Officer Vic on KSFO's morning show mentioned this, and HFS, it's true. (for you non-bay aryans: concord is a suburb located approximately 30 miles east of the City, take the bay bridge to 580 to 24 to 680 north. welcome to middle america, you blue state fuckups...)

If Physics Excites You..... - 61
Oh shit. What is it with physics? I think these dumb fuckwad hippies are just trying to seem smart.

Looking for man with MBA degree - 25
It's really only a matter of time before this girl starts stripping. Best Russian stripper in the Jimmy League is Naomi (Broadway Showgirls), followed by Chanel (H-Club. not Chenelle. also, may be retired.)

Naomi has nice legs, wears Bulgari perfume. Really nice legs.

SWF looking for Indian Man WITHOUT Indian accent - 25
Oh yay, she's "liberal" and "openminded [sic]" but she doesn't want somebody with an accent. Don't like third world immigrants, do you? You fucking liberal hypocrite. That's typical. I bet there are a lot of FOBs who are "creative, adventurous, sociable, introspective, (and) intelligent". This is what happens when you Can't Understand Normal Thinking. Shallow whore.

DESIRABLE ASIAN FEMALE SEEKS MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL RELATIONSHIP - 22
HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU MUST BE A VERY SMALL ASIAN WOMAN TO BE YELLING SO LOUD ON THIS OUR BELOVED INTERNET. DO YOU MAKE GOOD FLIED LICE?

(TJ: OK for those of you not in the know, I'm asian myself. Don't get your panties in a bunch. Or hopefully, you're wearing boyshorts. My stripper Grace wore granny panties one night. It was pretty cute. Did i say "asian"? I meant "oriental". I'm Oriental myself.)

I'm Dreaming of a Pearl Necklace... - 46
Whoa. I thought this was just some dumb housefrau who didn't know the ejaculatory implications of what she wrote. Turns out she knew perfectly. And now I have a semi.

Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. - 23
Unfortunately, I was disqualified at the word "aquarius" having been born on 27 february. And dammit, because she likes scotch! And steak! and aww shit... requires that I don't like hippies! FUCK YOU, ZODIAC! YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.

***cries into hard hat***

And HFS, I've never had these thoughts before, but damn those feet are hot!

A Good Man is Hard to Find... - 33
Kinda anti-climactic, sorry. But I was hoping this was a Flannery O'Connor reference.

Why yes, I am an engineer who has read Flannery O'Connor. Can't remember where I put her when I moved into my new apartment, but she's around here somewhere.

That's all for now. If you can find me the Homer Simpson sound of him saying "I'm not gay, but I'll learn" please to be sending it to me, as I'll most likely use it instead of the one above...

all my love,
Tio Jaime, EIT

Flighty San Francisco Women, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love M---- whoa whoa whoa, hold on there...

My friend says you can glean a lot of information on a region by reading its CL personals...

And so, here is a slice of the craziness that is the Single Bay Aryan Woman...

1) I Want a Cowboy - 22 (berkeley)
This seems promising what with the title and my newfound affinity for cowboy boots, belt buckles and country music... but upon further review, the play stands: Can't Understand Normal Thinking

At the very least, we can safely conclude that the liberal men that this woman regularly dates are all dickless pussies. She wants that machismo which blue america so frowns upon. But she can't fully come to grips with the fact that her sexually repressed primal urges can only be successfully satiated by a dripping-with-testosterone man's man. "feminist cowboy?" gimme a fucking break

2) I'm ALL YOURS, as long as you have an AIRCRAFT - 30 (marina / cow hollow)
Oh boy... for those of you unawares about SF Bay geography, Marin is on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge, very rich and affluent. That having been said, how many physics majors do you know live in rich, quaint towns and own yachts or planes and own houses in france? WTS, even if the physics is an add-on, why?!? Just what do you plan to discuss with a physicist, you dippy dumbfuck?

Oh, a "militant non-smoker" great. Read: selfish nazi whore-beast who will think she knows more about everything than you could ever possibly hope to know in your pathetic, ambivalent-towards smoking life

OMG, do you think that l'il ole me can join the club of people who wanted to bone you?

This chick sounds arrogantly French. Alors, jolie, va te faire foutre...

3) Idealist ready for World Travel, Picket Fences, and Enduring Romance - 27 (inner richmond)
(oh jesus, i saw that one and i got excited! this is gonna be great!)

Hmm. Well, actually, this is pretty endearing. Oh, she seems like a very nice, down-to-earth girl.

She's pretty cute, too... hey, vegas!

Wow, she's pretty articulate and self-aware. Not very flighty at all! Guess the title threw me for a loop there. Heh, OK i chuckled at the "heart, mind, and palm pilot" line.

Well damn, she's actually written a very thoughtful ad. Maybe i'll e-mail tomorrow when i have more time.

Ok one more, now that the wind has been duly evacuated from my sails...
4) turn ons and turn offs - 25
OK here's the one i was looking for... this is typical Bay Aryan. Note the listing of republican as turn-off. doesn't like fag-haters, doesn't like yuppies in the Marina (yet still likes "native san franciscans" what a elitist cunt. no offense, T). oh, and she doesn't like self-centerdness [sic]??? what a hypocritical dumbfuck

i like though, how she doesn't like capital letters. i've abandoned them in informal use since my sophomore year

What a pretentious bitch-wad.

I can see why so many guys around here go Gay.

all my love,
Tio Jaime