3am Criticism of Deep Impact

Looks like my stupid idea of 3am Criticizing Deep Impact was more trouble than it was worth. But I've already invested a bit of time into this, so I'm going forward with it.

Nothing really to see here, except for a line or two when I talk about how black presidents are a bad idea.

And that's the best I can do with what I was given. Hopefully the offchance of seeing politically incorrect racial jabs make you search the page for "black". And really, what's this about an offchance? It's a practical certainty here on the SHoP! You'd think this is my first day as your Favorite SHoP Overlord...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

1) No, LMHBrent, "Deep Impact" is not a pr0n

You are now in chat room "DeepImpactedColon." JihadJimmyMWCCDF has entered the chat room. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:41:17 PM): hello dere JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:41:33 PM): I've just opened up Deep Impact and was about to watch JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:41:42 PM): when i realized that I could 3am Criticize it JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:41:46 PM): a couple of things: JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:42:04 PM): 1) No, LMHBrent, "Deep Impact" is not a pr0n JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:42:39 PM): 2) my second monitor crapped out on me, so I'll have to keep this minimized in the background JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:42:54 PM): (this being iChat and AIM) JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:43:07 PM): although I suppose I could use my xb0x0r... standby JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:45:12 PM): OK i've cannabalized my TI-81's batteries, and i'm gonna use the xbox so i can surf the internet(s) and leave iChat in the front JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:46:59 PM): here we go JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:47:03 PM): no wait JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:47:18 PM): and now my phone's ringing

The Foxtrot-India-Alpha-November-Charlie-Echo-Echo has impeccable timing. How many times has she called just right when I was about to start another episode of John London's Inferno?

this DVD kinda sucks, no trailers?

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:52:54 PM): OK that was the Foxtrot-India-Alpha-November-Charlie-Echo-Echo JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:53:19 PM): OK, here we go JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:53:58 PM): this DVD kinda sucks, no trailers? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:54:38 PM): and dude, the quality on my TV is kinda shitty... probably becasue I have my xbox daisy-chained through my vcr... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:54:51 PM): oh fuck this.... standby

My TV sucks. I don't even have RCA connections in the back, I only have one coax cable in. Don't waste too much time thinking about it. Press on, you've got a long way to go.

Here, we're finally starting the movie. Famous Last Words...

wouldn't be surprised if the lead-up to this horizontal break was longer than the 3am-C itself...

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:56:29 PM): OK back to the original plan... chat windows in the background so this'll be a sparse 3am-C JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:56:48 PM): wouldn't be surprised if the lead-up to this horizontal break was longer than the 3am-C itself... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (5:57:04 PM): here we go JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:00:29 PM): is that leelee sobieski? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:02:32 PM): right, i'm sure it's that easy to tell if something's gonna hit the fucking planet JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:03:27 PM): oh this guy's gonna die JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:04:51 PM): wow you wouldn't have thought that one little jeep would've been all blowed up JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:10:03 PM): oops, time out JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:12:35 PM): OK we're back JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:16:10 PM): morgan freeman is cool.. but JAMES CROMWELL is freakin' AWESOME JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:16:17 PM): i didn't know he was in this movie!

Unfortunately, I think that was the last time he was in the movie.

well really, since we know that there's a big damn meteor, this drama is kind of moot...

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:18:37 PM): the FBI! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:18:47 PM): before i forget, tea leoni is hot JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:22:49 PM): ahh he said, "What do you know about E-L-E?" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:23:18 PM): well really, since we know that there's a big damn meteor, this drama is kind of moot... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:24:41 PM): she searched "E.L.E.", and found Extinction Level Event on a berkeley page! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:25:20 PM): she went to Berkeley's department of paleontology page... heh, ucberkeley.edu

There isn't an actual Department of Paleontology at Berkeley, like the movie suggests. But here is the Paleontology Museum, which is the closest we'll be able to get for now.

we gon' git you, you stupid com-it!

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:27:16 PM): oh damn her new stepmom is hot! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:33:25 PM): a large "spaceship"! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:33:34 PM): the Messiah! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:34:25 PM): wait, wasn't there another space movie where they flew up into space and landed on a big rock? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:34:52 PM): and it's Tom Hagen! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:36:37 PM): whoa she tied it into James Cromwell! nice job! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:38:51 PM): "you know, you're gonna have a lot more sex now than ANYONE IN OUR CLASS" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:39:33 PM): jon favreau! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:40:42 PM): Red Forman! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:43:28 PM): "Messiah Mission Day One" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:43:51 PM): i thought this was the movie where they had to select a certain number of people to evacuate... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:46:34 PM): we gon' git you, you stupid com-it! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:50:59 PM): so why don't those rocks "the size of houses" fuck up the "spaceship" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:58:32 PM): right, the comet probably heats up in a matter of fractions of a second... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (6:58:44 PM): total recall was more realistic JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:01:12 PM): "Sit down, sit down. It's OK," tom hagen whispered to the russian cosmonaut. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:02:53 PM): Ok they're about to blow the nukes, but than I looked at the DVD case and there's a huge wave hitting NYC JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:02:56 PM): this won't work JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:03:31 PM): wouldn't an EMP fuck up your "spaceship" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:03:34 PM): ?

Yes, there's a reason I keep putting the word spaceship in quotation marks. Trust me, I haven't used the word "spaceship" since SixHertz and I were in maybe first or second grade.

there, see what happens when america elects a black president? meteors try to fuck our shit up, or mexicans try to sneak biological weapons onto US soil

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:05:24 PM): oh see, and now you've just pissed the comet off JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:06:18 PM): heh, "the comets"... nice job america and russia! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:07:12 PM): "an immense network of caves" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:07:30 PM): in missouri. yay. JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:07:55 PM): oh this *is* the movie with the evacuation JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:08:04 PM): "other countries are building their caves too!" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:09:29 PM): there, see what happens when america elects a black president? meteors try to fuck our shit up, or mexicans try to sneak biological weapons onto US soil JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:09:51 PM): Deep Impact needs JACK BAUER JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:10:03 PM): "the ark national lottery" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:10:23 PM): they're going to notify 200,000 in 5 minutes? JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:10:30 PM): ha ha no men and women over 50 JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:11:24 PM): ya according to SSN, that's a retarded idea JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:13:07 PM): heh, one big comet, one baby comet JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:13:38 PM): they should've taken their stupid "spaceship" and flown it into the baby comet hoping it'd hit the big comet JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:19:00 PM): "Time to Impact 2 Weeks, 3 Days" JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:19:31 PM): OK there wasn't a comma, but there should've been JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:28:17 PM): Time to Impact 5 Days JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:28:59 PM): that's kind of a shitty perimeter... JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:31:03 PM): Deep Impact kinda makes me wish that a comet was gonna hit Earth before I have a chance to finish the movie JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:32:48 PM): for fuck's sake, get to the apocalyptic mayhem already JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:35:02 PM): "Our missiles have failed." JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:35:09 PM): damn JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:37:32 PM): this movie needs JACK BAUER

Or at least a different President. Morgan Freeman was kind of shitty as the president, but I understand given the whole comet-gonna-fuck-our-shit-up premise. I think that Jack Nicholson would've been better reprising his role as the POTUS from Mars Attacks! Or Harrison Ford from Air Force One.

get to the fucking catastrophic comet already!!!

JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:37:47 PM): Time to Impact 10 hours 37 mins JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:44:53 PM): she gave up her seat to the gimpy lesbian from ER JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:46:08 PM): yay! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:46:28 PM): oh ha ha, they're making them take the baby JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:47:03 PM): would've been funny if he biffed the dirtbike right there in front of them JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:49:18 PM): get to the fucking catastrophic comet already!!! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:49:23 PM): E.L.E. me! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:50:29 PM): awesome! JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:51:18 PM): yeah, if it was hitting new york, the shoreline would've receded JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:54:09 PM): that's a great idea, show them their families so they can get distracted and fuck it up JihadJimmyMWCCDF (7:56:04 PM): yeah, fuck the russian guy, huh? should've brought some whores for him JihadJimmyMWCCDF (8:03:09 PM): well OK that was an Ok movie JihadJimmyMWCCDF has left the chat room.