God Bless the Elias Sports Bureau!

This is actually even cooler then when the Giants had an all 40+ outfield...

Excerpt from Old timers' day: record 7 40-year-olds to start Wednesday,

PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- Break out the Geritol, Ensure and Bengay. It really will be old-timers' day in the major leagues on Wednesday, when a record seven pitchers in their 40s are scheduled to start. The New York Yankees' Roger Clemens (44), Philadelphia's Jamie Moyer (44), Detroit's Kenny Rogers (42), San Diego's Greg Maddux (41), the New York Mets' Tom Glavine (41), Houston's Woody Williams (40) and Atlanta's John Smoltz (40) are set to pitch on the same day. The previous record of six was set last Friday, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, when all but Clemens started.

I'm actually somewhat surprised that 1) my Giants don't have any contributions to the geriatrification of baseball in this article, and 2) infrequent SHoP Overlord SixHertz hasn't provided us with an update of his favorite celebrity and her release from jail.

I'm just racking up the SHoP labels...

love always,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

SHoP Mysteries Explained: YTMND

Ever find yourself wondering just what the fuck your favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime and sometime SHoP Overlord SixHertz are talking about? It's probably because they're referencing some inside joke. And you, being on the outside looking in, don't get it. Don't worry though, we're not here to judge. This happens a lot, and not just to you! I find myself playing Catch Up with a new radio show trying to figure out the inside jokes and running gags.

Here on the SHoP, we could let you flounder and research this shit yourselves, ideally by clicking on the "ytmnd" label, but I myself know just how reliable you are when it comes to following enlightening links. You won't. And again, don't worry, we're not here to judge.

But seriously, follow the links below. You'll be a better person for it. Even more importantly, you'll be a better Citizen of the Internet. And that'll pay off in spades. Somehow. Hey look! More header tags!

YTMND Fads

It's very nice how with a few magic html-dealies, a clumsily and blatantly acknowledged non sequitur can be played off as part of the post, isn't it?

You may have heard SixHertz or myself go back and forth with O RLY YA RLY here on the SHoP and derive an inordinate amount of pleasure from something seemingly stupid-- and really, that's nothing unlike how you stupid Leftists blow Rosie O'Donnell each tim she opens her stupid piehole. Well heck, here's an explanation of that ytmnd fad.

These fads start out small and blossom like crazy. Some are more popular than others. Some other SHoP favorites are Safety Not Guaranteed, Picard Song, Nooo!, and What is Love. If you're an extra-lazy Citizen SHoPper, at least check out the "Original YTMND:" listed in the right-hand column.

Facial Expressions and Nigga Stole My Bike are also pretty good. I'll plug those here.

OK, and Medieval.

You wanna get political? Here's some Howard Dean for you. And because they're so good, and you're so lazy, here... 1) hyyeeeahhhh, 2) California (Howard Dean does the OC), and 3) Howard Dean: California Love

OK Citizen SHoPpers, I've linked a lot here for you. Go check 'em out, I'm going to sleep.

STUFF THAT WAS AWESOME WHEN WE WERE PREPUBESCENT, BUT SUCKS NOWADAYS

Watching The Wonder Years right now. No, it doesn't suck nowadays, but we'll address that in a second or two. I'm sure you've noticed that the stuff you liked waaay back when is too suck-tastic even for kitsch-value.

MacGyver

What budding engineer didn't love MacGyver? He was the epitome of awesomeness that required your brain and not so much karate or whatever else. (Or marksmanship, I suppose; MwHCock and I are working on that as we speak.) My favorite episode was where he went back to his alma mater (was supposed to be Cal Tech, but I don't remember what they changed the name to) and had to outwit some crazy kids in a barricade contest. Pretty awesome, except when Monday Night Football wouldn't pre-empt engineering goodness at 8pm.

But watch an episode nowadays. I was excited to buy the DVD boxset, but I haven't made it through the first season. Willing suspension of disbelief comes a lot harder after puberty I guess. The casino riot and gypsy hijinks was cool when I was like ten, not so much in my late-twenties.

Oh and SixH, Shiraz, and Waitress Chick-- MacGyver went to high school in Roseville, MN!

Sledge Hammer!

Hmm, kind of the same problem that MacGyver suffers from. The first couple of episodes are OK-- despite bazooking an entire building--

OK, I take that back. The first couple of episodes suck and should have alerted me to the disappointing nature of the following episodes. They really should've kept the laugh track in the DVD boxset, if only because we really do need to be told where to laugh.

Wanting to Make Out with Winnie Cooper

When we were all Kevin Arnold's age, oh fuck yeah we wanted to make out with Danica McKellar. Even you chicks out there. She was the cute brunette next door, and sometimes she wore go-go boots.

But now, almost twenty years later, you find yourself not attracted to her at all; maybe even repulsed. For fuck's sake, she didn't have boobs. Trust me on this one, I just saw the episode where she goes to a dance, but not with Kevin. She goes with an eighth-grader.

OK, good. Glad to see that your self-loathing reflexes kicked in there, just like they're supposed to. In case you're some kind of sick child molester, you should have remembered how you had a crush on Winnie Cooper some eighteen, nineteen years ago, resurrected the crush, and then milliseconds later dismissed the thought. All-in-all, about one second of processing in your brain there.

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Jihad Jimmy, you're sick."

Well, no shit. What other breaking news stories do you have to bring to this hypothetical, internal dialogue?

"Your entire post was just a lead-in to the Making Out with Winnie Cooper bit!"

This is true. What's your point?

"Now I'm thinking about making out with Danica McKellar!"

Is this so bad? I don't see why--

"MAKING OUT WITH HER, BUT IN HER 12-YEAR-OLD FORM!"

Oh my, yes. That is bad. You do realize she had no boobs back then?

"Yeah, I know. But she was still kinda-- NO! SEE? YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"

I'm sorry. Let's talk about something else. I have MacGyver, Season One on DVD if you're interested...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

<update time="2323">
Incidentally, no, there isn't a disconnect between this Winnie Cooper thing and my Emma Watson fixation thing. When she turns 18, whoo momma!
</update>

I can't believe it's not Trek!

Again with the Star Trek?

DUDE THIS IS AWESOME

TioJ (1:16:51 PM): DUDE THIS IS AWESOME TioJ (1:17:00 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCDIBqVsjek TioJ (1:18:39 PM): this too is awesome TioJ (1:18:40 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zr2siqaAY78 CalGlock (1:20:13 PM): WOW TioJ (1:20:21 PM): this one is funny too... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CrjYpX5M3o TioJ (1:32:39 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3dJRoaLXtQ&NR=1 TioJ (1:35:10 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tP4LIj9QHM

You know how we engineers just love the Trek. I'd embed these, but that's a bit much...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Non Sequi-TioJaime

This Copenhagen is kinda nasty, but I feel obliged to finish the can.

Also, these little Yoplait single serving containers make handy spit-cups.

<update time="1034">
And then when you burp salami sandwich, the nastiness increases five-fold.

And in the spirit of the non sequitur, I have a new SHoP Label!
</update>

I'm such a bastard

But if you've ever played Castle Wars, you'll appreciate my exacting of my revenge on that bastard Computer...

At this point, I was just fucking with him

Yeah, take that fucker. How do you like those four Curses?!? Eat that, bitchcakes! Oh what's that? I had 12 production units to your 1? Well, it sucks to be you, ASSHOLE. I won on a Curse, fucktard, how does that make you feel? Eat shit! EAT MY SHIT!

So go check out this game. Or, if you value your sanity-- don't. It's so irritating when the computer wins simply because he gets all the good cards and you're stuck producing 2 or 3 each round. Check it out, you'll see what I'm saying. After a day of playing this game, reread this post and it'll all make sense.

You want more games? Check out this old SHoP post here, for Chick Chick Boom and Insaniquarium. And then check out the Insaniquarium posts via the SHoP labels, to see a SHoP obsession from years past. I sure could go for some Hot Pockets right now, even if it is an unoriginal non sequitur...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

The SHoP salutes Joe Montana on his 51st birthday!

Slow day here on the SHoP. But while SixHertz contemplates his next Celebrity Update (i hope he finds some angelina jolie news. Or Sandra Bullock's Nippy-Nips news), I'll post about a celebrity we can all appreciate.

He's not so much a celebrity here in the Blue State Frontier (you like how I slipped in another SHoP tag?) as he is a demigod. And today is his birthday, according to my calendar.

49ers QB and bad-ass extrordinaire: Joe Montana (b. 11 June 1956)

What kind of bad-ass has Steve Young and Steve Bono as his backups? This guy right here.

wikipedia: Joe Montana
wikipedia: The Catch
Joe Montana's NFL stats
wikipedia: Joe, Montana

I was watching some NFL films special on the 1982 NFC Championship game against the Dallas Cowboys a few years back. After the Dwight Clark go-ahead touchdown, Too Tall Jones said to Montana, "You just beat America's Team."

Montana replied, "Well you can sit at home with the rest of America and watch the Super Bowl."

Happy Birthday, Joe Cool!

Go Niners!
Jihad Jimmy
Commissioner, SHoP Department of Recreational Sport (Non-nude)

<update time="1112">
Couldn't find video of The Catch for you, so here's the closest thing...

Also, I'll repost this video, as Montana did spend some time with the Chefs...

</update>

San Francisco's idiocy osmosis

This cancer that is Northern California really needs to be excised from the Union. Really, who'd miss it? They'd be free to be their own retarded selves, practice their own retarded morals and values.

And if you're wondering how Tio Jaime, your favorite Red Blood Cell in the Blue State Cancer has managed to survive this long, part of it is that I'm armed. God Bless THE PURSWADER.

Excerpt from Groom's equal right to a name change would be spelled out in Oregon proposal, emphasis mine

SALEM, Ore. — A woman on the verge of marriage is faced with a plethora of choices. She can keep her last name, take her husband's last name, put a hyphen between the two last names or convince her husband to help form an entirely new surname by combining letters from both their names. State Sen. Vicki Walker, D-Eugene, figured men needed to be aware that they have the same options, so the Oregon Legislature is on its way to making it easier for a groom to take a bride's last name. Walker recently tagged an amendment onto a bill that would redesign the application for marriage licenses. The new-look application would include room for a box where the man and woman could write what they'll be called after their wedding day. The applications now have boxes for the bride's and groom's current names but no place to put what they want their new surnames to be. Walker's amendment clears up laws to state specifically that either party can take the other's name or they can choose a hyphenated combination. "We are no longer a patriarchal society," Walker told senators this week before they passed House Bill 3120 in a 19-11 vote. "This simply makes it fair." Walker told The Oregonian newspaper that she got the idea while looking at a copy of Ms. magazine.

Oh please. Where to begin...

OPTION 1: Just because, State Senator Vicki Walker, you look ugly enough to be a man and therefore are not able to get a man, that doesn't mean you should be allowed to fill the heads of impressionable Oregonian skanks with stupid ideas like making their future husbands adopt different names. We do, as a matter of fact, still live in a patriarchal society. The minute that I-- rather, the minute that society-- would prefer to have women soldiers, marines, sailors, airmen, police officers, firefighters, prison guards, and... crab fishermen(?) over men, then and only then will we not have a patriarchal society. Good luck, ladies...

OPTION 2: I will still maintain that the best things to come from Oregon are my sales-tax-free computer, the Seven Feathers Indian Casino, and two strippers named Devon and Sunshine.

OPTION 3: Yo, she-male, LIFE ISN'T FAIR. Deal with it. If Life was supposed to be Fair, God wouldn't have made you look like an Afghan Hound.

Jihad Jimmy, Red Blood Cell in the Blue State Cancer

<update time=1359>
OPTION 4: Wait, she got the idea while LOOKING at a copy of Ms. magazine??? She wasn't reading or perusing... she wasn't even skimming an article or two? She looked at the magazine cover? Great. Way to go, feminism.

And you wonder why I want to disenfranchise you.
</update>

Proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Apparently, the jackasses in LA can't figure out how to keep someone in jail, but at least she's back now.

And the slut whore is in pain. LOVE IT.


AND IT FEELS SO F*@KING GOOD!

Why am I reveling in her pain? No, not just because I hate her guts and she's a waste of skin, but because she is UNAPOLOGETIC about driving drunk. People seem to forget that, including Ann Coulter, who's another dumb bitch that should be shot.

wouldn't that be funny...

Never before have I genuinely wished death and destruction in tsunami form on a group of down-trodden people. But these Primitives are just asking for it...

some AP story, didn't bother with a link since i copied and pasted the whole thing

JAKARTA, Indonesia - Angry villagers stoned a tsunami warning siren in Aceh province after it accidentally went off, triggering panic in the region hardest hit by the 2004 killer waves, an official said Thursday. Several false alarms in Kaju district early Monday sent thousands of people fleeing to high ground before they were finally urged by police to return home. Roads were clogged with motorbikes and cars for more than an hour. When another siren sounded in nearby Lhoknga later that afternoon, frustrated residents threw rocks at its electrical panel, said Syahnan Sobri of the local Meteorological and Geophysics Agency. "It was too high up, so they stoned it," he said, adding that technicians were being sent to the scene to survey the damage. The 2004 tsunami killed some 230,000 people in 12 nations, almost half of them in Aceh. The country is establishing a nationwide tsunami warning system with foreign funds, but not all of its coastline is covered.

Seriously. The world bands together, helps fix the damage from the tsunami, even helps them set up a tsunami warning system.

And they throw shit at it.

I'm sure I won't be the only one in the world laughing if a tsunami sneaks up on them and oopsie, drowns them all. Great googly moogly.



Man, what I'd give for an earthquake early warning system. The way that California is situated in and around numerous faultlines, we have a few seconds at most. Just enough to halt BART trains. Wonderful.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

BULLSHIT!

It is a great day today in America if your name is Paris Hilton or if you're an illegal alien.

3 days in jail, then "reassignment home" (at her mansion, no doubt with lots of video games and cellphones) because of a "medical condition". Such bullshit for a drunk driving charge / driving on a suspended license. She could've killed someone. Special treatment, plain and simple.

Great how someone can break the law and basically get pardoned, isn't it?

Degenerate Leftists weren't too bright back then either...

Got this from my 365 Sports Facts-a-Year desk calendar...

"All the King's horses" is overkill. Alls ya needs is one.

Now seriously. If you saw some stupid woman throw herself in front of some racehorses in the name of Women's Suffrage, wouldn't your first thought be, "Shit, is this the kind of nincompoop we want participating in the democratic process?"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Democracy and the idea of a representative republic works just fine-- until you let every random yahoo out there vote.

Same with procreating. We'd all be better off if not everybody who was smart/drunk enough to put Tab A into Slot B actually did. But you all get mad when your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime suggests things like mass sterilization or literacy tests. Even you Blue State Fuck-ups out there, who jump at any chance for the federal government to control part of our lives.

And that's the main thing. Our lives, not just your life. If you think that the federal government knows how to better use your money, then fine-- go ask the IRS for a higher tax rate. But please, for those of us who don't share your deluded sentiment, let us have our tax breaks.

Before you start complaining, allow me to state that the Republicans of late have not faithfully subscribed to the school of smaller, less intrusive government like we thought they did. And for this and other reasons, they lost the midterm elections of 2006. This is nothing new.

So what's the takeaway? Maybe the terrorists had it right all along and women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Except for Sandra Bullock's Nippy-Nips.

Death to the Great Satan,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

Wait, you mean her staffers didn't put that PowerPoint deck up there?

Ok, morons (liberals), does this mean we have to say Hillary can't spell? I guess it does, because politicians have a duty to take responsibility for what's posted behind them, even if they never mention those words in their speeches.