STUFF THAT WAS AWESOME WHEN WE WERE PREPUBESCENT, BUT SUCKS NOWADAYS

Watching The Wonder Years right now. No, it doesn't suck nowadays, but we'll address that in a second or two. I'm sure you've noticed that the stuff you liked waaay back when is too suck-tastic even for kitsch-value.

MacGyver

What budding engineer didn't love MacGyver? He was the epitome of awesomeness that required your brain and not so much karate or whatever else. (Or marksmanship, I suppose; MwHCock and I are working on that as we speak.) My favorite episode was where he went back to his alma mater (was supposed to be Cal Tech, but I don't remember what they changed the name to) and had to outwit some crazy kids in a barricade contest. Pretty awesome, except when Monday Night Football wouldn't pre-empt engineering goodness at 8pm.

But watch an episode nowadays. I was excited to buy the DVD boxset, but I haven't made it through the first season. Willing suspension of disbelief comes a lot harder after puberty I guess. The casino riot and gypsy hijinks was cool when I was like ten, not so much in my late-twenties.

Oh and SixH, Shiraz, and Waitress Chick-- MacGyver went to high school in Roseville, MN!

Sledge Hammer!

Hmm, kind of the same problem that MacGyver suffers from. The first couple of episodes are OK-- despite bazooking an entire building--

OK, I take that back. The first couple of episodes suck and should have alerted me to the disappointing nature of the following episodes. They really should've kept the laugh track in the DVD boxset, if only because we really do need to be told where to laugh.

Wanting to Make Out with Winnie Cooper

When we were all Kevin Arnold's age, oh fuck yeah we wanted to make out with Danica McKellar. Even you chicks out there. She was the cute brunette next door, and sometimes she wore go-go boots.

But now, almost twenty years later, you find yourself not attracted to her at all; maybe even repulsed. For fuck's sake, she didn't have boobs. Trust me on this one, I just saw the episode where she goes to a dance, but not with Kevin. She goes with an eighth-grader.

OK, good. Glad to see that your self-loathing reflexes kicked in there, just like they're supposed to. In case you're some kind of sick child molester, you should have remembered how you had a crush on Winnie Cooper some eighteen, nineteen years ago, resurrected the crush, and then milliseconds later dismissed the thought. All-in-all, about one second of processing in your brain there.

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Jihad Jimmy, you're sick."

Well, no shit. What other breaking news stories do you have to bring to this hypothetical, internal dialogue?

"Your entire post was just a lead-in to the Making Out with Winnie Cooper bit!"

This is true. What's your point?

"Now I'm thinking about making out with Danica McKellar!"

Is this so bad? I don't see why--

"MAKING OUT WITH HER, BUT IN HER 12-YEAR-OLD FORM!"

Oh my, yes. That is bad. You do realize she had no boobs back then?

"Yeah, I know. But she was still kinda-- NO! SEE? YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"

I'm sorry. Let's talk about something else. I have MacGyver, Season One on DVD if you're interested...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

<update time="2323">
Incidentally, no, there isn't a disconnect between this Winnie Cooper thing and my Emma Watson fixation thing. When she turns 18, whoo momma!
</update>

San Francisco's idiocy osmosis

This cancer that is Northern California really needs to be excised from the Union. Really, who'd miss it? They'd be free to be their own retarded selves, practice their own retarded morals and values.

And if you're wondering how Tio Jaime, your favorite Red Blood Cell in the Blue State Cancer has managed to survive this long, part of it is that I'm armed. God Bless THE PURSWADER.

Excerpt from Groom's equal right to a name change would be spelled out in Oregon proposal, emphasis mine

SALEM, Ore. — A woman on the verge of marriage is faced with a plethora of choices. She can keep her last name, take her husband's last name, put a hyphen between the two last names or convince her husband to help form an entirely new surname by combining letters from both their names. State Sen. Vicki Walker, D-Eugene, figured men needed to be aware that they have the same options, so the Oregon Legislature is on its way to making it easier for a groom to take a bride's last name. Walker recently tagged an amendment onto a bill that would redesign the application for marriage licenses. The new-look application would include room for a box where the man and woman could write what they'll be called after their wedding day. The applications now have boxes for the bride's and groom's current names but no place to put what they want their new surnames to be. Walker's amendment clears up laws to state specifically that either party can take the other's name or they can choose a hyphenated combination. "We are no longer a patriarchal society," Walker told senators this week before they passed House Bill 3120 in a 19-11 vote. "This simply makes it fair." Walker told The Oregonian newspaper that she got the idea while looking at a copy of Ms. magazine.

Oh please. Where to begin...

OPTION 1: Just because, State Senator Vicki Walker, you look ugly enough to be a man and therefore are not able to get a man, that doesn't mean you should be allowed to fill the heads of impressionable Oregonian skanks with stupid ideas like making their future husbands adopt different names. We do, as a matter of fact, still live in a patriarchal society. The minute that I-- rather, the minute that society-- would prefer to have women soldiers, marines, sailors, airmen, police officers, firefighters, prison guards, and... crab fishermen(?) over men, then and only then will we not have a patriarchal society. Good luck, ladies...

OPTION 2: I will still maintain that the best things to come from Oregon are my sales-tax-free computer, the Seven Feathers Indian Casino, and two strippers named Devon and Sunshine.

OPTION 3: Yo, she-male, LIFE ISN'T FAIR. Deal with it. If Life was supposed to be Fair, God wouldn't have made you look like an Afghan Hound.

Jihad Jimmy, Red Blood Cell in the Blue State Cancer

<update time=1359>
OPTION 4: Wait, she got the idea while LOOKING at a copy of Ms. magazine??? She wasn't reading or perusing... she wasn't even skimming an article or two? She looked at the magazine cover? Great. Way to go, feminism.

And you wonder why I want to disenfranchise you.
</update>

Degenerate Leftists weren't too bright back then either...

Got this from my 365 Sports Facts-a-Year desk calendar...

"All the King's horses" is overkill. Alls ya needs is one.

Now seriously. If you saw some stupid woman throw herself in front of some racehorses in the name of Women's Suffrage, wouldn't your first thought be, "Shit, is this the kind of nincompoop we want participating in the democratic process?"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Democracy and the idea of a representative republic works just fine-- until you let every random yahoo out there vote.

Same with procreating. We'd all be better off if not everybody who was smart/drunk enough to put Tab A into Slot B actually did. But you all get mad when your Favorite SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime suggests things like mass sterilization or literacy tests. Even you Blue State Fuck-ups out there, who jump at any chance for the federal government to control part of our lives.

And that's the main thing. Our lives, not just your life. If you think that the federal government knows how to better use your money, then fine-- go ask the IRS for a higher tax rate. But please, for those of us who don't share your deluded sentiment, let us have our tax breaks.

Before you start complaining, allow me to state that the Republicans of late have not faithfully subscribed to the school of smaller, less intrusive government like we thought they did. And for this and other reasons, they lost the midterm elections of 2006. This is nothing new.

So what's the takeaway? Maybe the terrorists had it right all along and women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Except for Sandra Bullock's Nippy-Nips.

Death to the Great Satan,
Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

All that's missing is single-malted scotch and a craps table...

I know what you're all thinking. "Why didn't Tio Jaime think of this first?"



In addition to the Dodger Dog and the U$C Song Girls, Hollywood Park is one of the best things to come from Los Angeles. Include No Doubt if you want to say "to come from Southern California".

Jihad Jimmy
Chairman, SHoP Gaming Commission and House Gaming Control Board (Non-nude)

Gratuitous Gisele Bündchen-- not that you're complaining, or anything

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

Gratuitous Lingerie Models-- not that you're complaining, or anything

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 1:00 PM AND 2:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

---

I saw the article below, and thought of the post title in the recaps. Then I realized, "Shit, I used that title already."

Gisele and Victoria's Secret have split

No worries, because now this gives me a chance to push another platform on the SHoP Overlord Tio Jaime Agenda-- Apple Computer!



Tio Jaime, I can hear you asking, what's more important, some supermodel who's not Alessandra Ambrosio, or your computing platform?

And really that's not fair. Why would you make me choose? Although, not that the two are mutually exclusive I suppose.

And what's that, you say, Citizen SHoPper? This post seems kinda half-baked and half-assed? Well yes. A post entitled "gratuitous gisele bundchen" and liberally sprinkled with victoria's secret models shouldn't really be held to the normal intelligent standards which other SHoP posts are. It's surprising how much of a shitty post can be carried by Brazilian chicks in their underwears.

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith

OK opening week kinda sucked

1-6. That's fucking great. Abso-fucking-lutely great. Well, let's hope that it makes for many giants related SHoP posts. So let's fucking get this over with already...

it's going to be a lonnng season

AIM IM with LittleBell98. 11:26 PM CommissionerJimmy: WTF! CommissionerJimmy: "San Diego's Chris Young outdueled San Francisco's Matt Cain, who allowed just one hit in seven innings but lost 1-0 to the Padres on pinch-hitter Geoff Blum's sacrifice fly Monday night." CommissionerJimmy: how do you outduel somebody who only gave up one hit? LittleBell98: when your team sucks, you get shafted CommissionerJimmy: aside from giving up *no* hits CommissionerJimmy: dude CommissionerJimmy: we need shinjo CommissionerJimmy: benard CommissionerJimmy: santiago LittleBell98: hehe LittleBell98: it's going to be a lonnng season CommissionerJimmy: darren baker CommissionerJimmy: need to trade away Benitez for darren baker LittleBell98: lonnng season, dude

I think your pitcher can be outgunned, but your team can still win the game. I would think that if you gave up FOUR TIMES AS MANY HITS as the opposing pitcher did, that qualifies as an outgunning. Or in this case, an outdueling.

But hey, another Matt Cain near-no-hitter? Oh he's a-comin', you NL West pigfuckers! Pray that he doesn't get some magic beans from his uncle Barry...

Oh. Not Zito. The angry black one...

dude, that patch sucks!

LittleBell98: this team's terrible CommissionerJimmy: i think they're concentrating too hard on the all-star game CommissionerJimmy: that's the only thing i can think of LittleBell98: haha LittleBell98: the patch isnt even all that exciting CommissionerJimmy: dude, that patch sucks! LittleBell98: im not even sure if i want to drive to watch them this weekend in pittsburgh CommissionerJimmy: it looked like it was thrown on the jerseys as an afterthought 11:30 PM CommissionerJimmy: kind of like the bullpens at pac bell CommissionerJimmy: "oh fuck, we forgot about the all-star patches! quick! put em where ever you can find room!" LittleBell98: haha

Apparently near the completion of the design of Pac Bell Park, they realized all of a sudden, "oh shit, we don't have any bullpens!" So they had to squeeze them into the already cramped foul territory...

im guessing 79-82
LittleBell98: how many games you think we'll win this year? LittleBell98: im guessing 79-82 CommissionerJimmy: that'd be nice CommissionerJimmy: i think .500 is asking a bit much LittleBell98: i agree LittleBell98: this team cant compete against divisional rivals LittleBell98: just wait til the roadtrips out east start CommissionerJimmy: we're on pace to win 23! LittleBell98: haha

We kid. We kid because we care. We're gonna win at least 30 this year. You can take that to the bank!

we won on a wind-aided aurilia bloop

CommissionerJimmy: the headlines at sfgiants.com are depressing CommissionerJimmy: "Cain dazzles, but still takes loss for Giants" CommissionerJimmy: "Rough second outing for Zito in Giants' loss" CommissionerJimmy: "Ortiz's return to Giants ends in defeat" LittleBell98: we could very well be 0-7, too 11:35 PM CommissionerJimmy: oh my favorite is "Bonds, Giants not ready to panic" LittleBell98: we won on a wind-aided aurilia bloop LittleBell98: haha

Just think. If the G-men were 0-7, we'd be on pace to go 0-162. How fucking rad would that be? They should give us a wild card berth just because it'd be funny.

that didnt turn out well
CommissionerJimmy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=-5wcT3dtii8 CommissionerJimmy: oh i like this one too... CommissionerJimmy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=yY0Z-pnsbGU CommissionerJimmy: Erin Esurance is fucking *HAWT* 12:00 AM LittleBell98: marquis LittleBell98: that didnt turn out well LittleBell98: or jose, either

Unfortunately, that's the only Giants commercial from 2003 I can find online. There's another where they introduce Damian Moss and Ray Durham to the locker room. I actually have the Lou Seal beatbox one on my computer, somewhere. Got it from infrequent SHoP Overlord and Dodger Trash LMHBrent. Maybe I'll put it on youtube...

And Erin Esurance is HAWT. And Grissom and Cruz, Jr. were both wastes of eye-black.

Jihad Jimmy
Commissioner, SHoP Department of Recreational Sport (Non-nude)

Congratulations!

Our faithful readers will be happy to know there's one more conservative (aka, sane--of course sane, she's my wife!!) attorney in Illinois - Shiraz got her bar results today, and she's a first-time passer! Congratulations on the successful culmination of your hard work! We're partying now!!

On another note, your infrequent (yet faithful) SHoP overlord is in his 3rd quarter at Chicago GSB (and still looking for a summer internship) and busy as all hell. Thanks to Jihad Jimmy for keeping the midnight oil burning. I will get back to blogging sometime soon when things start slowing down--and I have a lot to say...

Dirty Hippies, Reality Television, Strip Clubs, Killing Trees, Nasty Protest Chicks, California Baseball, Leetspeak, and, um... Strip Clubs. Again.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Stupid women. Fucking up a perfectly crumulent study...

I could post a lot more today, but work is somewhat busy. Perhaps I'll have some funny videos from the linkdumps later this afternoon. But for now, I couldn't resist this one...

I was reading some yahoo! news headlines, finding good stories. I found one that talked about how napping is good for you (heh). Unfortunately, I got bored with the article real quick and was about to close it when I just barely caught this line.

My favorite line from the yahoo! news article. Emphasis mine.
It's likely that women reap similar benefits from napping, but not enough of them died during the study to be sure, said Dr. Dimitrios Trichopoulos, the study's senior author and a researcher at Harvard University and the University of Athens Medical School.

That's pretty funny. So I started to read the rest of the article, but got bored again. So i reread the funny line. About not enough women dying.

Even if you're a humorless feminist, that line should be funny. Not as funny as how exactly you ended up at the SHoP, but it's up there. Maybe that foreign doctor fucked up his engrish? I mean, the way this line was written it sounded like there were a bunch of doctors reviewing their results and complaining to each other, "Fuck! Why don't more of these old C-bombs just fucking die already?!?"

Which, interestingly enough, is what I think pretty often when having to interact with my old, aging-hippie-chick neighbors.

Ooh. Cheap shot? Yes, probably.

But I have to burn lines to get the 240 pixels that will take me to the end of that hippiechick jpeg I put on the right.

Am I there yet? A few more carriage returns should do the trick...

Anycrap, yes. I do wish that more of my selfish, leftist, hippie neighbors would curl up and die already. That'd free up parking on my street, at the very least...

Jihad Jimmy, Minister of War Crimes and Chief Defender of the Faith