The SHoP salutes Northern California's most pussified Blue State Fuck-up ever!

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHoP...

Go suck a big one, Information Superhighway

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 11:00 AM AND 12:00 PM.

EVENTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME.

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Heh, I found the article again, and it deserves its own post instead of some fake html in an update of the original SHoP post. I was afraid sfgate.com had updated the article, but oh yes here it is for your reading pleasure.

Excerpt from THE MAZE MELTDOWN: East Bay commuters facing detours, jam-packed BART, emphasis mine
Kevin Hershey of Oakland, who owns an optical shop in San Francisco's Union Square, said his commute won't be the only headache -- his business will probably suffer, as well. "I about started crying when I heard," said Hershey. "It will definitely affect my business. East Bay people will hesitate before going into the city to shop, and a lot are going to go to Walnut Creek instead."

Oh God. For fuck's sake, dry your eyes, wipe your nose, and put on your Big Girl panties.

This is the same kind of snivelling, ball-less man that will elect Hillary or Obama. It's true-- God, I wish it wasn't, but this is typical for men in the Bay Area living in close proximity to San Francisco, Oakland, and Berkeley.

Admittedly, there are things that will make men cry in sadness...

Mom or Dad dies
Dog dies
Wife dies
Child dies
UCLA overcoming a 17-point deficit at the half
Wife shot dead by Nina Myers at CTU Los Angeles
You've just foiled a bioterrorist threat against Los Angeles and finally exacted your revenge on Nina Myers for killing your wife (see above)
You're holding the lifeless body of Tony Almeida in Season 5
You're trying to blog, but accidentally read a spoiler on wikipedia about Tony Almeida dying in Season 5
Now you just read one line further and found out that Jack kills Curtis Manning in Season 6
She's using her teeth

Notice that I didn't even put anything like "Giants lose World Series" or "Got fired". These are both sad, but don't justify man-cryage. You can bury your face in your hands, shake your head in denial, pace the room like a crazy man, keep muttering "oh fuck me oh fuck me" to yourself-- but no crying, please.

And if you're going to cry because your store in San Francisco is going to be affected by flyover ramps GOING AWAY FROM SAN FRANCISCO... then just don't tell anybody. Definitely shouldn't tell the Chronicle, because they might put it up online. And now Tio Jaime is calling you a pussified Blue State Fuck-up.

My favorite passage from Mary Schmich's classic column in the Chicago Tribune: Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Off to lunch. Stay off the freeways.

Jihad Jimmy
Director, SHoP Department of Pubic Works (and Public Works)

Go suck a big one, Information Superhighway

This here says that my commute shouldn't be affected tomorrow...

THE MAZE MELTDOWN Highway buckles: Tanker overturns on I-880 connector, igniting thousands of gallons of gas -- key overpass collapses

This one says it will be...

Roadway to Bay Bridge collapses after tanker explosion

This Caltrans page has some useful information...

511.org - Your Bay Area travel guide

But this one is absolutely fucking useless...

California Department of Transportation

This Republican Caltrans engineer is crying "Go check out that fourth link right now before they change it and make this post obsolete!" all the way to work while thinking about Sandra Bullock's nippy-nips.

So I'm still not sure which freeway I'll end up taking tomorrow. I'll probably take the city street shortcut which'll spit me out right next to the bridge collapse. Or not. I really don't care. Alls I know is that everybody and their fucking uncle will be chomping at the bit tomorrow to get some shit done to help out the emergency repair.

But oh mark my words, there won't be any thing for us to do except call a few Caltrans engineers whose phones have probably been ringing off the hook since early Sun-dee morning after this accident. And the nature of our Caltrans outfit (in relation to Caltrans Construction) will be such that we won't get involved for at least another few weeks. But that won't stop people from telling us Caltrans engineers to pester other Caltrans engineers with our phone calls.

OH HOLY FUCK!!! THIS IS THE MAP I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL DAY!!!

Why, thank you kindly sfgate.com! But you can go suck a big one too...

OK I think I'm OK since I'd take 580 East to 80 East (which, confusingly enough, is the same freeway just north of this interchange) and that ramp is unaffected. Coming home, if I don't take 780-680-24 like I normally do... wait, I still might be in the clear, since the flyover that collapsed merges on the right with the 80 West to 580 West ramp.

I think. You confused? I don't blame you. That's why this is called the Macarthur Maze. Welcome to the Blue State Frontier. I'm your host, Tio Jaime, broadcasting to you loud and proud from Fort Tio Jaime, your Red State Outpost.

OK the politicking was a stretch. Sorry.

Anyway, fun stuff. I'll let you know tomorrow morning how the commute was.

Jihad Jimmy
Director, SHoP Department of Pubic Works (and Public Works)

<update date="20070430" time="0925">
Commute this morning was fine. I charged head-first into the Macarthur Maze and it was the same commute I see every morning. Better, even, because people were scared off from the freeway-- there were three cars in line to go to the freeway where there are usually near twenty. People left before dawn and found out there was no traffic. Duh.

What'll be fun will be the evening commute. I didn't mention this last night in the post above, but the morning commute shouldn't even be affected. The ramps that are damaged aren't "to the Bay Bridge" like the second post above says. They're "from the Bay Bridge". People who are smart will leave at 3, 3:30 today to avoid the impending traffic snarls.

And I'm leaving at the normal time and taking 780-680-24. Like I normally do. Maybe I'll stop by Fry's.
</update>

<update date="20070430" time="0934">
Oops. You're too late if you didn't catch the fourth link earlier this morning. I've taken the liberty of stealing an astoundingly shitty-even-for-Caltrans graphic and linking to a page that tells us nothing we didn't know already.

My favorite piece of Caltrans wisdom that their shitty website tries to pass off as informational? This little ditty right here...

Oh, "personally inspected the damage". Right.
Caltrans Director Will Kempton has personally inspected the damage.

Looks like the second post is out as well, maybe it's just slow? Eh. You get the idea: Bay Area Little Brains running around all willy-nilly. I'm surprised Gavin Newsom hasn't declared a state of emergency like how Willie Brown did on 9/11.
</update>